Friday, December 30, 2016

Divine Earthly Experience 1: Endings

Good Morning Fellow Earthlings,

I write you from my boyfriend's LOVE SHACK. Today is the second to last day of 2016 and a New Year is ahead of us. I'm letting go of A LOT. How about you? For the past year and a half I haven't written much. To be honest, I spent a fair amount of the last year and a half hunkered down in my Seattle home feeling a bit lost. My ex-husband, the subject of my former book and blog, Lessons from the Monk I Married, had an affair and left our 20-year partnership and 12-year marriage. It was the hardest thing, other than my birth I suppose, that I had to go through. My identity and life as I knew it had been stripped from me. I didn't know who I was or how I fit into the world I had created.

 I felt adrift, clinging to the few solid things in my life (my home, my friends, my job) like pieces of recognizable debris floating past me in a gigantic sea of unknowingness. Even those things that felt solid started to blur as I traversed new territories.

I oscillated between feeling ready to burst forth with a new identity and new life to feeling like hiding under the blankets of my cozy bed, afraid to meet friends and family who were ready with their condolences and offers to help. I was embarrassed that I had wrapped my own identity up so tightly with that of my ex-husband's that I could not even imagine what we could or would be when things fell apart.

But somehow, out of the ashes of a once vibrant, happy, adventurous partnership, with the same ups and downs as any relationship, I arose with a new sense of myself as an individual. I realized I was stronger than I thought I was. Grief took me on a trip through denial to acceptance of my situation.

But I'm not perfect, by any means. I still fall into anger and sorrow over what happened, but with each day that passes, I feel more and more that this was a gift. Indeed, new beginnings are often disguised as painful endings and I was long due for a new beginning, so much so that it took a seismic shift, an earthquake, an eruption, a storm to descend upon my marriage. It had been written well before it had happened. I saw the ending in my dreams.

All the passion that had been pent up in me. All the love that I extended to my partner that was continuously pushed away came pouring out of me wanting to be fully expressed. I took a burlesque class where I became VENUS ON FIRE.
Venus on Fire, Oddfellows Hall, Capital Hill, February 20, 2016
I created on stage everything I felt inside that had somehow been denied. It was strange, but I felt I needed witnesses. I needed to be SEEN for who I was. I was passionate, fiery, angry, sexy, strong, lovable and beautiful. On stage, I emerged out of a shell like the Bottecelli painting The Birth of Venus; I was a docile, pure-white vision of beauty who became a fiery, red Venus, like Pele, Goddess of Volcanoes. I owned my life, direction and sexuality. I could be whoever I wanted to be.

I started to feel so much confidence in myself. I knew what I wanted in life and I believe that's how I attracted my current boyfriend, a very loving, mature, affectionate, passionate man who shined a light on all my broken pieces and reflected so much beauty and love back to me. I also received incredible healings and insights from Psychic Awakenings, a place where I learned to ground and own my space; A place where I learned to trust my intuition and abilities to not only heal myself and gain insight into the person I was becoming, but also where I learned to be an intuit and healer for others. I'm currently in an 11-month Clairvoyant Awareness Program there.

I learned to trust my intuition above all else. When I learned to let go of things not needed in my life, a new life, full of travel, love, happiness and joy entered in. But it didn't just show up until I showed up to do the work. I had to face my pain, sorrow, anger, fear and loss.

So goodbye 2016! It was a year of healing. I will say that as much as I cowered under the blankets of my bed, I also faced life full-on. I moved through grief. I still fall into it from time to time, but I'm ready to come outside. I'm ready to show up in the world and live OUT LOUD. Look out 2017!

How was the ending to your year? Is there anything you are letting go of?


18 comments:

  1. Power to you Katherine! You said it all. I can only add Amen! To that. You've got a strong lyrical voice, keep on keeping on!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Judith! I'm back at it. Happy New Year to you! Thanks for the beautiful words!

      Delete
  2. Hi Katherine,
    I was wondering what had happened to you and kept popping into your blog! Iam so happy to hear from you. Your writings energised me! You take care and know that your friends are from all over the world!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Geetha! Happy New Year to you. I'm so happy you are still writing and reading!

      Delete
  3. Wohoo! On fire - blazing alive again Katherine! So happy for you - looking forward to reading your beautiful musings!
    To a joyful present, a well remembered past and a magnificent New Year! Elles Lohuis

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Elles! A joyful New Year to you too. Thanks for reading and commenting here.

      Delete
  4. It will be a joy to continue to follow your journey through life! So happy for your blossoming happiness.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Evelyn, so glad to see you here. I still need to visit you in France :)

      Delete
  5. I have wanted to reach out to you for a while, Katherine, but somehow never worked up the courage to... until now.
    Will try to make a very long story short here :)

    2012 was a strange year for me, involving lots of soul searching and traveling to Japan for the first time - a trip that changed my life. I picked up your book in November of that year when I was in San Diego and six months in to a relationship with the man of my dreams. I had never heard of you or your book, but the title spoke to me and I had this strange feeling that I just needed to buy it. So I did.

    Your book became iconic to the relationship I was in. Reading non business-related books wasn't really my partner's thing but I would summarize every chapter of your book to him and even read parts of it out loud, and we were both so amazed by the parallels we were able to draw between your story and ours. Sometimes I just couldn't believe what I was reading -- e.g. Seattle is a very special place for us and I couldn't believe you were living there!

    My relationship with the man of my dreams was challenging because even though we were amazing together, he had unfinished matters from the past which crept into our world and made me angry and bitter. Throughout the years, whenever I faced a difficult moment I would turn to your book for wisdom, guidance, and inspiration. A year ago the biggest hurdles were solved and he proposed. We flew to Japan for a private wedding ceremony (our big dream) but he backed out the evening before the wedding and things just went downhill from there. I couldn't handle the web of lies anymore and a few months ago he moved out. It's been really tough because we still have open items and he makes it really hard to tie up all the loose ends.

    I, once again, turned to your book, convinced that it would lead me to the answer why I couldn't be with my soulmate. In fact, your book was on my nightstand when I received the message that you posted something new on your blog and your post made me tear up. It's difficult to describe the feeling but it felt like I finally received some closure.

    Thank you. Thank you for being you and for, unknowingly, being part of my journey in a very special way. 2017 has your name written all over it! I really look forward to reading all about your new life.

    All the best and Happy New Year! ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Yumiko, Thanks for sharing your personal story with me. I believe we all have these stories and by opening up and sharing, we can reach across all that separates us and understand we are more alike than we know. Blessings to you on your journey and thanks for reaching out.

      Delete
  6. Katherine, your story is my story. Your so right that it is hard work. The other side is so worth the pain of moving through all the Changes. The proof is in looking around and finally and authentically living the life you have now created. The lessons never end but they sure seem easier. And being able to look back and be grateful for all of it is the ultimate gift.
    What truly amazed me, was that once I got on that path of spiritual growth and change the world opened up and the tools appeared one by one.
    Thank you for being able to be be so open and truthful in your journey. I am sure it will be the light someone lost will need to find their way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for sharing Kathy. Yes, it is hard work, but so worth the effort. I'm still moving through it. I'm hoping by sharing my journey with others, it might lighten the load of another person's journey. It is amazing how much we can all help each other by opening up and being vulnerable.

      Delete
  7. I was wondering what happened to you... It's good to know that you're getting better (and better, and better, and better... Don't stop!). Happy New Year!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice to see you on here angel. Yes, I left the blog world for quite some time, but I'm back and happy to be back. Yes, I believe it will get better and better. Happy New Year to you too!

      Delete
  8. Get out the firecrackers - she's ON! So happy for you Kathy! Glad you have taken up the pen again. And I agree with you - when you face the fire, struggle with it and let it go you will come out stripped of the old and renewed, stronger. I look forward to reading your next book...(2017?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Marcella, Nice to hear from you and I fondly remember our retreat in Sedona in 2015. I love it when I meet bloggers in person. Much love to you and I'll let you know when the next book is coming out.

      Delete
  9. Hi Katherine - I haven't kept up with all your posts, but clicked over today to see what's new with you. I'm so sorry about what happened with your marriage, but I can surely empathize (been there also, after a 12 year marriage). But wow, you go on with your Venus on Fire bad self! I'm so happy that you are finding love again and a whole new path. If we can find something good to take away from a past relationship and move on, then that's the best we can hope for. For me, it was my 3 kids and a good salsa recipe - haha. Look forward to reading your new blog. Happy new new year!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hi! I am sorry to hear of your marriage ending and yet I can feel you are giving birth to a new person.

    This past year my mother and best friend died. My friend was the one I would call (for 30 years!) when I had a big gig to play. I'd ask her to pray for me at a given time and though she'd laugh and say I did not need it, I knew she would do it. She was my "hallejuah chorus," 12 years my senior, my mentor, a mothering figure and sister at times, devoted friend. I lost an anchor when she died just 4 months to the day of my dear mother, who was my favorite person in all the world.

    These deaths rocked my world and caused so much vulnerability and sorrow . Yet this event has caused me also to think deeply about who I am now and where I want to go. How I am shifting from a place of ambition to meaning, from doing to being. I am growing older too and that is part of it.

    Now I am feeling stronger and opening to new friends and experiences. I know mom and Angela would want me to keep moving forward and not be stuck in the past and my pain of their loss.

    I have composed some new pieces (maybe with their help? :) and I continue to move forward.

    Thank you and good to hear from you!

    Blessings,

    Blue

    ReplyDelete