Going Backwards at Full Speed

Hello fellow Earthlings,
I'm alone in Sequim today and I've been really contemplating what this life is for? Don't get me wrong, I'm not at the end of my rope, but sometimes it feels like I'm going backwards at full speed.

 I spent the holidays in a remote, small cabin with my family for 3 nights. Try that out. I dare you. Whatever you believed you were or how much you thought you knew what you were doing and where you were going, family reminds you of all the things you'd rather not dig up or get into. I'm talking about beliefs, politics, your foibles, those things you did (even though you don't do them anymore) that define you for life. "Remember when..." It's like family has put a big stamp on your forehead. A tattoo, if you will, that says, "Loses keys, is DIVORCED, doesn't have children, posts too much on Facebook, has an easy life, doesn't care about others, lives paycheck to paycheck, doesn't have it together." The stupid thing is that I actually care about what people think, particularly my family, but they will never, ever completely get me because they aren't interested in getting me. They are just interested in coming together, with all of their individual beliefs and ideas about how this life should be lived, and celebrating the holidays together because that's what families are supposed to do and we are family.

 For the most part, we were able to do that. We cooked together, complemented on each others' cooking, walked together in the snow, talked, sat in the hot tub and around the fire. We recalled stories and mingled and played games and all was well and I did feel happy to be with them because, after all, we never know how much time we've got with one another.

What I discovered is that as long as we stayed away from all the things that each of us really believe in, we were good. As long as we didn't really scratch more than the surface of each person's life or interests or what made them really tick, we were good.

Until we weren't good. Until we were going full speed backwards down a snowy driveway heading straight for a garage door with my boyfriend at the wheel. He had lost control on the ice. The only thing I really wanted to do was jump out of that car into a snow bank and disappear. But we were all in this together, like it or not, and it was a family effort to get us out.

I thought my sister's family was already merrily heading down the road heading towards Leavenworth. The right back tire of our car, the Suburu my dad and step mom rented, was stuck in the snow bank. We all got out to evaluate the situation and I heard my brother-in-law shout from the top of the driveway, "Are you guys okay?" Well, I was actually relieved that they were still there. My step mom, who has bad knees, and I cautiously made our way to the bottom of the driveway and let the others work it out. They took a shovel and dug dirt up and put it under the tires and spread salt around and made cracks in the ice with a shovel. Eventually, my boyfriend gunned the engine and made it to the top of the snowy slope alone. The rest of us were at the bottom of the driveway and it took some effort to get my step mom up the driveway as she doesn't walk much these days and especially not in icy, snowy conditions. It was a group effort that took about 30 minutes to solve and it wasn't long before we were all on our way again.

And maybe that's just it. Maybe family are actually the people who soften the blow when we are going backwards at full speed. I say this from the warmth of my mom and step dad's house in Sequim, Washington. They are snowbirds and leave the Pacific Northwest for Arizona each winter. They have given me the chance to stay in their house this winter and write and teach my online class at the college. They've given me the gift of this space, even if they don't fully understand me or how I live or what I am doing.

Today I called my boyfriend on the drive out to Dungeness Spit. I can't get cell phone reception at the house.

 "I don't think I know what I'm doing anymore or what this life is for. I feel really bummed out," I said.

"You have a great life, Kathy. I know I can't convince you of this, but you do. I'm sorry you are feeling sad."

We've had our own challenges, my boyfriend and I, mostly in the financial arena. In all other areas, he's a great match for me and we really get each other and love each other deeply. I've had some health challenges lately and sometimes I become scared that I don't have long to live, but yet there's lots that I'd still like to do.

My girlfriend Sherry keeps a gratitude journal. I'm thinking of starting one. How did we become such an isolated society? Life is not easy sometimes. Lately I feel like there's a dark cloud over me. I keep looking up to see the sun and just see clouds. Perhaps it's because I live in the Pacific Northwest. There's a reason why people escape to places like Arizona and Florida in the winter. It can get very depressing here.

Despite the darkness and the cold, I walked for three miles or so out on Dungeness Spit today. I listened to the waves crash on the shore and when the water receded, I drew my wishes in the sand with a bamboo stick. I wrote, in capital letters, HEALTH, BOOKS, LOVE, HOUSE, TRAVEL.

 And then a gigantic wave formed in front of me, crashed and moved like lava towards my wishes erasing any trace of them. I walked on the clean slate of beach in front of me leaving only footprints and even those were devoured. I couldn't leave a trace if I wanted to. And I learned that I wasn't going backwards, not really. I was just going. Maybe that's all I need to do.

A Bridge to Another World

Dear Fellow Earthlings,

 Last night I dreamt that I was in Europe and got an opportunity to take a trip to a very mystical place. My friends had only one extra ticket and invited me. I can't be sure of the country, but it was snowy and cold, so the place felt a bit like Sweden or Norway or.....Narnia? My friends picked me up in a neighboring country and we drove over the border and high up in the snowy mountains towards a castle that was on an island. In order to visit this castle, we had to cross a bridge thousands of feet above the frozen water below. This was fine, except the bridge was made entirely of snow and it was very narrow. Only one car could pass at a time and there were no guardrails. Just setting out to cross this bridge could mean an untimely death, yet the castle on the other side was something not to be missed and the snow bridge itself, on the way to the castle, was celestial. We decided to risk it. The car swerved a bit on the bridge and many times we came very close to the edge. I remember feeling my heart in my throat looking down over the edge while watching snow fall. We did eventually get to the other side, but I don't remember much of the dream after that. I think the journey getting there was more interesting than the actual place.

Perhaps this dream is a metaphor for life and maybe a metaphor for my life right now, particularly. I can feel that I'm about to walk out on the edge again. I can feel I will complete my next book....finally. I have a ways to go, but I have carved out 4-5 days a week to work on it starting in January. I am afraid, actually, that I won't finish it and it is so important to me to do so. In fact, I have two books I'm working on simultaneously, one is the first book in a trilogy of fiction books and the other is a memoir or somewhat of a sequel to my first book. It takes so much energy to put myself out there again. Sometimes it feels like crossing a bridge that will never end. It's so much easier just to stay in my comfort zone and not do it, but I also feel it's the most important work I will do and have done. The memoir is calling me the strongest and I feel it will inform my trilogy series, so I would like to finish the memoir first.

I've been a bit melancholy. This turning-clocks-forward thing is getting me down. At 4:00pm, it's practically dark outside. I couldn't take just sitting inside when I got off from work, so I pulled off my work clothes and slipped into jeans and my down jacket and walked to Whole Foods for dinner and then upstairs to East West Bookshop for an astrology reading. The woman there confirmed that I would finish my book(s) and that they would be successful, but that it would be work and I'd have to stay focused.

 It's been a little over a month since I've turned 50. Today I found a video of a Kickstarter I created 10 days before my 45th birthday. I was still married then. In the Kickstarter, I asked friends and family to donate to help me be able to take time off to write. I never put it out there.

Perhaps there was just too much going on with my life? In fact, less than a year after making that video, my marriage fell apart and instead of moving forward, I went into a deep, dark cave of grief. I had felt so much confidence and the end of my marriage set me way back.

Over the last 4 years, however, I've made  huge leaps and bounds in my life. I created a new character, Venus on Fire, and performed a burlesque show in front of dozens of strangers on Capitol Hill in Seattle, I made a new boyfriend, I set up a psychic business and have taught many intuitive writing classes. I left my Seattle home that I shared with my ex-husband for almost 13 years and I've lived in Hawaii and traveled to Australia, New Zealand, Italy, France and Switzerland. In Italy, I co-led a retreat in Tuscany with 9 people. I did Pet Sitting in Port Townsend, Seattle and Italy. I have lived in my co-worker's basement apartment for a little over a year and I will move to my mom's in Sequim on December 15th for the winter to write and teach one class mostly online. Who knows where I will go after that?

I am moving forward and doing all the things I've dreamed of. In fact, often my dreams are so clear that they truly inform my waking life. I feel the Hood Canal Bridge on my way to Sequim could very well be that bridge to another world. I feel my life WILL open in more ways than I can imagine. I'm moving forwards. It's not a question of IF and not even a question of WHEN. It's happening RIGHT NOW. I'm on THAT bridge! There's no going back....

10 Days Before My 50th

Hello fellow Earthlings,

"I discovered that crone is derived from the word crown. The crone holds the wisdom gained through her years. She is a healer, counselor, and wise woman. In the old days, the word "witch" came from "wit" or "wisdom." Elder women were looked to for their wisdom gained through their experiences. They were the bringers and preservers of life. They weaved the stories.."

In 10 days I will be 50! That's half a century and I can't be sure I'll live a century in this current body, so you could say my life is more than half over. Wow! What an interesting, wild, ride it's been.

I did not get here very much in 2019. In fact, I didn't write a single post during my journey through Europe. That's not to say nothing happened. So much happened! Most of my experiences over the last 5 years or so will appear in my next book Venus on Fire which I hope to finish during my 50th year on this planet.

Today I woke up and my jaw hurt and I had a headache. Lately I've felt angry a lot in both my dreams and waking life. It's not a constant thing. I also go through moments of tremendous bliss and happiness during my day, but this dark, negative energy seems to want to get my attention. There's this little nudge I've been getting that I'm not exactly where I'm supposed to be. I feel like I've somehow compromised myself because I'm afraid—afraid of what people may think of me, afraid of hurting others, afraid of being alone, afraid of losing security and stability in my life, afraid of losing friends or disappointing family.

On the one hand, I want to behave in ways that are accepted by the status quo because, well, they are acceptable ways of being in this world. I have a respectable job at a local community college. I teach immigrants and refugees now to create small businesses. I get to help them take their ideas and turn them into reality! What could be more inspirational than that? Truthfully, I love what we create in class. I love to see students following their dreams and hearts because I believe that is important. But there are aspects of my job that don't fit me at all. I don't like administrative work and following mandated rules and regulations. Lately it seems like so much of that is coming down the pipeline.  The work keeps stacking up and a lot of it seems like a bunch of bureaucratic nonsense. Sometimes it seems like so much work is created just to keep people busy and make them feel important.

 For so long I've been called to follow a different drum and in many areas of my life I am following that drum. I'm in a vision circle. I made my own elk drum in that group and I meet other like-minded visionaries once a month to drum, journey, share and hold space. It's a space where each person can truly feel safe to say anything. I'm also in a Ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian healing class, where we do similar work. We share in a circle and witness each other in different ways. For five days, over my birthday, I will be heading to Breitenbush Hotsprings to attend a Vision Seeker 3 Class with Hank Wesselman. Many of the people in my Vision Circle will be there. We do a lot of journey work and even though we all go on our own journeys, we are the collective whole that creates the dream of this world. Lately, many ancient practices coming from indigenous earthlings are coming to the forefront. They are not widely accepted yet, but they are so needed. Our earth is suffering in so many ways. Humans have forgotten that they are part of a fabric of life, not the key players in it.

The fabric, or the web of life, is asking each one of us to step up and remember WHO WE ARE. It's scary because it goes against who we have been and it's never easy to forge a new road when the old path is so well-worn. In fact, it's not a new road at all, it's a path we've all taken before and we are just being asked to remember it.

Who are you and what are you here for? Do you ever ask yourself those questions? Don't be too quick to answer those questions. Try sitting with them for awhile. Those very questions, I feel, are what my 50s and beyond will be about. And I'm okay with the unknown. There's so much power in not knowing. In creating space within me, I'm able to receive powerful messages that lead me to where I need to go. And where I'm going doesn't always make sense to a lot of people and I've learned to be okay with that.

For now, I'm being called to step away from a heavy teaching schedule and move into a full time schedule of writing and tuning in. I'm being called to be part of more circles that involve inner work. The upcoming winter is calling me to go into hibernation. It's calling me to gather all my journeys and sew them together into a patchwork quilt of stories that will become my next book. I have no idea what shape or form this quilt of stories will take and that is the joy of creating.

I'm not afraid of this next phase of my life. I'm excited about it. I'm on the downhill slope. I will become the wise, old woman...the crone. I've earned it through the experiences I've gathered. But there's still so much to learn, gather and let go of.

In 10 days I will be 50. I'm ready.

Venus on Fire and a Pilgrimage to Italy

Dear fellow Earthlings,

I'm making a pilgrimage to see The Birth of Venus this summer

Four years! It's been almost four years since I set out on a very different path. And not particularly by choice. Well, at least that's how it felt at the time. It's amazing what the inside will do to wake a person up. Sometimes being asleep seems so peaceful, easy and SAFE. But we are meant to GROW and spread our wings in this life. Not sit under a rock and wait until it's all over. Life has a way of getting our attention. It starts with little signs. Something not quite right. Then bigger things, like dreams with messages in them, or things breaking or losing things.

And finally, if that's not enough, things do just simply FALL APART.

And most of the time our reaction is like this:

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! This isn't happening!

OR

Why is this happening to me?

Think of it as an amazing blessing. Something has shook up your world to allow something more amazing to enter. This is the truth I have found. But if you would have told me that four years ago, I would have told you to f@%$ off! Because people always have words of wisdom when YOUR world is falling apart.

But coming out the other end of that long tunnel, I can tell you that this is what I've experienced. Every single catastrophe has been an amazing opportunity in my life that I'm infinitely grateful for. Had I not experienced this chaos, I would not know the life I know now.

Shortly after my marriage fell apart, I decided to join Miss Indigo Blue's Academy of Burlesque in Seattle. I signed up for a month-long class. In that class, I created a new identity. I became Venus on Fire. I spent that month using all the raw material I felt on the inside to become Venus on Fire on the outside. I got my inspiration from Sandro Botecelli's painting The Birth of Venus. In this painting, Venus is full of purity and naivete inside a white shell for all to admire. She is an image of femininity and beauty. But that's not it. To me there is so much more.

So I began my act at Oddfellows Hall on Capital Hill, Seattle inside a shell, just like the painting. But The Birth of Venus became a death on stage. It was the end of something innocent and what I believed to be true and the beginning of something powerful and beyond my control. The lights went out and everything turned to RED. There was an explosion. I came out of the darkness hidden behind huge red isis wings that revealed a new life.  I was fiery, sexy, powerful and wise. I was what Shocking Blue sang about. I was the "goddess on a mountain top, burning like a silver flame, the summit of beauty and love, and Venus was her name!"

I am Venus on Fire!

I was a phoenix rising from the ashes.

I represented all women who felt unpowerful or small or unsexy or under-appreciated.

That one act changed me. An image of me on stage was even painted by, not Sandro Botecelli, but a painter I admire. He captured my inner strength and beauty on canvas. The first picture is the actual photo from my performance and below that is the painting.

Recently I was in the hospital. I had to go to ER several times. A cramping pain in my stomach. A burning. I carry all my worry and anxiety in my abdomen. Maybe I carry the weight of the world there. For years, I've had digestive issues. In ER, after being probed and prodded and sent for various tests, including two CT scans, I was told I had diverticulitis with a micro perforation in my colon and that it can be fatal.

I thought, Great, not only did my marriage fall apart, but now I'm going to die.

In ER they wanted to do surgery. I sat right up in my hospital bed and said, "NO! I will not do that." It wasn't a plea. It was a command coming from deep within me. It was a waking up to life. Once I said it, everything in me shifted yet again. My inside said, "OK, you can choose to live, but if you do, there's a huge responsibility."

The responsibility wasn't about doing anything, it was about BE-ING. Being a spirit in a human body. Being HERE on the planet. Embodying who I am completely.

It was a shift from ticking off goals and becoming something, to being right where I am in this moment. And the next moment. And the next moment. One at a time.

It's hard for me to do that. I was used to just forging ahead with my agenda. I wasn't accustom to stepping back and letting go and seeing what happens. I wasn't used to letting the river chart it's own course and letting it carry me. I could still set intentions, but the realization that there were larger forces at play, that what I wanted didn't just include me, was huge. I am part of an intricate web of life that affects the entire whole. I am a co-creator of what happens to me. When I let go, there's so much more there. So much richness is there, even in the pain, chaos, unsettledness, and unknowing.

In April, I set an intention to make a pilgrimage to Italy to see Sandro Botecelli's The Birth of Venus painting in Florence. I set that intention and let it go. Now, 50 days before my 50th birthday, I will be there with like-minded seekers. They are healers, artists, writers, dancers and lovers of life. How fortunate to make this pilgrimage together with these beautiful people.

I will be in Italy and Europe for almost 6 weeks. I will work on my next book, Venus on Fire, there. I expect to finish editing the book and sending it off to be published in my 50th year on this EARTH.

I know I'm being guided. We all are. When life feels unbearable. When it feels like you can't take ONE MORE THING, lean into it. Slow down. Watch a bird on a tree sing, really smell a rose or sit on a bench and feel the wind. Life whispers to us all the time. It is only trying to get our attention. It just wants us to acknowledge it.

I have three more spots on my trip to Italy. I'd love it if you'd join me and the other seekers. Please see the link here https://us3.admin.mailchimp.com/campaigns/show?id=3487893. Sometimes we stumble upon things for a reason. It may not make any sense, but there's a point. Keep walking. Moment to moment to moment.

Grazie for reading...there will be much more!

Hitting a Wall and Bouncing Back

Hello Fellow EARTHLINGS,

Lots of changes to Blogger here, so not sure what my next step is. Probably my very own WEBSITE with a BLOG attached....whoa! I've always only had a blog. I've been a blogger for as long as blogging was possible...well, at least it feels like that. But things change, right?

How are you all doing on the EARTH PLANE? Not an easy place to exist, so I validate you if things have been difficult, intense, uneasy, heavy, chaotic, sad, lonely or anything else. Sometimes these emotions can make us feel like we are HITTING A WALL. And that can feel intense. Change is such a hard thing for us humans. We don't want to hit walls, we want things to be EASY. Funny thing about that is that on my desk I actually have an EASY BUTTON. When I push it, a voice says, "That was EASY!" Strangely, this button sometimes sounds at the oddest times, like when I drop it by mistake when I'm having a hard day or when I have it in a bag and I'm juggling a bunch of things in my arms and "That was EASY!" shouts out from my bag. It's very ironic, but maybe there's some truth to it.

So I'm about to let go of some big things because I feel my life is CALLING ME to do something different. This call has gotten SO INCREDIBLY LOUD that I can't NOT follow it. It's piercing. But part of what it's calling me to do feels a bit chaotic. Not all of it feels rational, stable, or even very clear.

The first thing I'm being called to do is to write here, or wherever my blog migrates to, every Friday. The next thing I'm being called to do is to write a page or two of my new book (I currently have 100 pages) everyday. I need to show up here to write EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's screaming at me to do so. I have things to say. The third and scariest thing I'm being called to do is to leave my current day job and home state. I'm being called to hit the road again. This is the part that feels a little chaotic and unstable. I can't see around the wall to the other side. The unknown scares me.

Today I hit a major WALL. I had a little argument with my boyfriend, but it wan't about him, it was about me and all the FEAR I'm feeling to make these HUGE LEAPS OF FAITH! The biggest leap is to phase myself out of work that is no longer fulfilling to me and to leave Seattle eventually to travel and find my new home. But the most important leap is TO OWN COMPLETELY who I am: internationally published author, psychic, shamanic practitioner, channeler, healer and intuitive writing teacher.

My boyfriend Scott and I started Seattle Psychic Institute in November. Within 4 months, we've led 22 classes and workshops and have managed to pay our rent from student fees. This is HUGE for us. It wasn't easy to start this up, but through this 4-month venture, I see that it is SOOO valuable to our world right now. More than anything, our world needs Earthlings to step into the light. We need people to face the fear and do it anyway. Staying in the comfort zone is not an option. Everyone will be called to look around and see what's not working in their own lives and shift these things.

So this summer, I'm stepping out into the great unknown again. I'm going to hit the road for awhile in order to find my new landing pad. I will launch again, but this time I feel things will be different.

Come July 1st, after spring quarter, I'm launching!

Sounds great, but the idea of launching is what made me hit the wall today. I spiraled into FEAR and thought I had no right believing I could do it. Fear of failure, fear of not being able to survive, fear of being homeless, fear of not pleasing people, fear of others saying, "I told you so. You should have stuck to the tried and true."

Tried and True. Where did we ever get from sticking to the safe, sound, logical, predictable, unchanging, or comfortable? Well, the comfort zone does have a purpose, but I don't believe we are meant to just sit there on our haunches and never push the edges of our limits. For in not doing so, we never find out what we are capable of.

So hitting a wall might be a good thing. And there are options when you hit your wall or limit. You can settle back down into the comfort zone and lick your wounds for awhile OR you can get down to business and REGROUP and think of what works and what doesn't OR you can look for a way around the wall. Is there a path, perhaps, that you haven't seen yet? Or is there one that is faint, yet calling YOU? And you may have excuses too. Believe me, I've had excuses. Here's how they go: "Oh, I'd like to do that, but I don't have enough time, money, abilities, resources.....fill in the blank.

All the people I've admired in my life, ones I've found inspiring, were fellow Earthlings who hit walls and kept going. I'm thinking of Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King Jr., Gandhi, Mother Teresa., etc. These are people who put all at risk to change the world. What if we all did that? What if we all lived to our fullest potential? What kind of world would we have?

Suddenly John Lennon lyrics and music just kicked in: "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I hope someday you'll find us and the world will live as one."

Yes, I've hit wall friends. HUGE WALLS. But I'm bouncing back. Watch this blog and watch for my new book. Watch for classes and workshops. I currently do psychic readings via Facetime and Skype and I'm creating webinars and online classes with my partner as well as retreats around the world. Join me.... join us! Together we can do so much. I'm not afraid. I'm energized! I'm going to feel the fear and get on the other side of this wall.

Have you ever felt like you hit a wall and couldn't go any further. What helped you to move to the other side?

Disappeared

"I think I DISAPPEARED from here because I was afraid that I had failed in some way. I was angry at myself for not fully taking flight, but now I see that my inside is gaining energy—BIG ENERGY—for the next voyage."—Katherine Jenkins 

Dear fellow Earthlings,

Has it been six months almost? No I haven't disappeared, but almost. This earth game is intense. And sometimes life just picks you up and carries you for awhile. I got sucked into my mundane life again.

Just last February, while on Maui close to Haleakala, it felt like my rocket had launched. I was heading out into the great UNKNOWN. I was about to become an explorer. I traveled to remote parts of Australia and New Zealand...and....well, I wasn't really sure where I'd go after that.

But somehow I ended up back on that launch pad again. Somehow, this past fall, I returned to what I know, even though it's not 100% what I love. Maybe that's why it was hard to write. Because I found it hard to fully launch.

In September, I moved into my co-worker's mother-in-law in a wonderful part of Seattle after petsitting all summer in Port Townsend and Richmond Beach. By the end of the summer, I had signed on to teach an overload at the college where I've been a teacher for 13 or so years teaching ESL and Small Business to immigrants and refugees. My new living space has been good for me. It's allowed me to not be so uncertain about where I'll lay my head while I have a regular job. But, I'm not sure I've completely found my place in life.

I've really enjoyed my current neighborhood. The house I live in in Ravenna, Seattle is in walking distance to everything I love—grocery stores, coffee shops, yoga, Greenlake, a new age bookstore, massage, my counselor....everything! I can walk from here to Greenlake within 20 minutes. And the fall this year in Seattle proved to be the best I've witnessed in a long time! The vibrant colors of the fall leaves at the lake this year took my breath away. And now, on February 10th, all has disappeared beneath a blanket of snow. We haven't had snow like this in 40 years. Most winters in Seattle are rainy and wet. I managed to escape one of the worst winters for rain last year while on Maui and in Australia and New Zealand. I feel like I have hit the jackpot with the weather this year and have been in bliss since summer.

I have enjoyed the time and the new living situation, which is about 20 minutes from my job and about 15 minutes from where my boyfriend lives.

I enjoyed a trip with my boyfriend in early December to Florida to see my dad and step mom and got a taste of the travel bug again while touring around Saint Augustine (the oldest city in the USA), Tampa and Saint Pete. It doesn't matter where I travel, it could be in my own state, but as soon as I go anywhere, my eyes light up. I feel most alive when I'm on the road.

So as much as this has been one of the best situations for me right now, it isn't IT! I hear my soul calling me beneath all the hustle and bustle we humans call life. My life is calling me away from the MAZE and the chatter of a life where everyone moves in deep grooves, but no one knows where they are going.

I have to stay in touch with my spirit to make it through. Without that connection, I'd be so lost. I'm currently in a vision circle with other drummers and shaman practitioners. This group is so important to me. It reminds me of how we are all connected and how in CIRCLES, where we gather to meet with LIVE humans, we create so much energy. These circles sustain the web of life. My spirit has been whispering to me to hold steady for a little bit. It has told me that I'm on the path, even though it may seem like a detour. Even more than a detour, it feels like I've been walking in place. But then I'm reminded of the saying, "Wherever you go, there you are." We are travelers everyday within circles. We don't need to, necessarily, go anywhere GRAND, if we have a deep connection to our spirits. But going somewhere new and inspiring does spark the spirit within. At least it does for me.

My boyfriend, who is also my business partner in a new business we launched in November called Seattle Psychic Institute, reminds me that I am, in fact, journeying. I've been going on MAJOR journeys on the inside. In fact, the inside work I'm doing is so BIG that it does require a place to rest my head for awhile. So this home serves as that place while I make these inner journeys. I am an author,  psychic reader, channeler and intuitive writing teacher. I feel most at home in this work, but it's not necessarily the work that pays the bills.....yet. It WILL be though and I will find my place again. I am definitely in a gathering phase. Lately, I've been able to channel a friend of Scott's who I also knew who died a few years ago. There are such important messages coming through that he has asked that I record them, so I feel I will do that and perhaps transcribe them here or on another blog. It is such important information for us Earthlings!

Back to the present, where all things exist all at once and all things are able to manifest—blanket of snow! We are currently under a blanket of snow

in Seattle and I feel I'd like to disappear into my den-like room for the rest of the winter, only to raise my head to write, do psychic readings and meet in my spiritual CIRCLES. I feel a pull to go deep within.

Today, I walked for three hours in the snow. I looked down at the white and it almost burned my eyes, it was so bright and blank and full of possibilities. The silence grabbed me and said, "You asked for this!" In psychic circles, sometimes we call it "mocking up." I see a picture in my mind's eye and it is so clear that it comes to be right in front of me. There is so much certainty around it. Lately, so many dreams and things I've seen in my mind have happened. I'm starting to realize that the veil between what we believe and see on the inside is not too different from what each of us is seeing on the outside. How we think about things, what we believe, what we imagine and tell ourselves is so important.

A few days ago, I walked in the snow with a friend. My boyfriend had given me gold sun & moon earrings for Christmas. I adored them. When I came back home, the SUN was gone. How fitting that it had DISAPPEARED. After all, everything that required light to grow had become dormant under a blanket of snow. I clenched the moon tightly in my fist. I didn't want to accept that the sun was gone. The next day I retraced my steps. I searched and searched for my sun. When I got home, a voice inside said, "You will find it as soon as you let it go!" And I was certain I'd find it outside. I went to my Tuesday Night Psychic Reading Clinic. I debated going because the weather had been so unpredictable and I worried about the roads. My boyfriend picked me up and drove me. Two women, mother and daughter, came to our clinic that night. I saw that they were stuck in a pattern that had been passed down through a long lineage of women. They were moving in a particular CIRCLE that was not benefitting anyone. To the break the pattern, both of them needed to let go and do something different. I felt a bright light enter the room during those psychic readings. The room, that had felt a bit dark and heavy in the beginning, became light and soft during our closing meditation.

My boyfriend drove effortlessly through the streets of Seattle on the way home. It was easy getting home and I didn't see any ice the road. I said, "Good night" and gave him a kiss and then walked up the steps to the house where I live. There, on the doormat, in a little patch of snow under the bright outdoor light, was my SUN, glowing in GOLD. I said, "Oh...wow!" It was exactly how I had imagined I'd find it, but I had let that image go completely. I wasn't thinking about it at all when I found it, but I did have certainty that eventually I would.

Sometimes these images come through loud and clear and sometimes they are a little more cloudy. I am afraid to trust myself fully in this, even though time and time again, my intuition has been crystal CLEAR. When I don't second guess myself, I know what I must do. Nothing shows up clearer in this area than when I do psychic readings and channel. I'm able to relay information to people that has deep meaning for them. And I can do this for myself too.

I want to own this more. I don't want to be afraid of what others might think. I know I have these abilities and I want to be able to say that I do without feeling like others might think I'm nuts. I think one of my biggest patterns I'm letting go of in this life is worrying about what others might think of me. I grew up in a family that pretty much only believed what was tangible. It was "I'll believe it when I see it." I operate in the opposite way. My way of operating is, "I see it (inside first) and then I believe it." This is such a different way of moving in the world, but it's the way I move. I want to accept it.

I think I DISAPPEARED from here because I was afraid that I had failed in some way. I was angry at myself for not fully taking flight, but now I see that my inside is gaining energy—BIG ENERGY—for the next voyage. This voyage comes from the inside out. I am letting the inside guide me first. And I'm not going to be too concerned with how it looks like to everyone else, but more if it feels right to me.

And so I see, nothing disappears really. It's all recycled and fed back into this web of life, in which all of us Earthlings and all other life forms are living.

Cycles, seasons, circles—call them what you want. Life is moving. Inside that green shoot, covered by snow now, is energy that is FLOWING and building up so that we can all enjoy and witness a unique flower in the spring. EACH one different, but equally beautiful.

Have you ever felt like you disappeared or wanted to disappear, only to show up again in full bloom? What were the circumstances around this?