Going Backwards at Full Speed

Hello fellow Earthlings,
I'm alone in Sequim today and I've been really contemplating what this life is for? Don't get me wrong, I'm not at the end of my rope, but sometimes it feels like I'm going backwards at full speed.

 I spent the holidays in a remote, small cabin with my family for 3 nights. Try that out. I dare you. Whatever you believed you were or how much you thought you knew what you were doing and where you were going, family reminds you of all the things you'd rather not dig up or get into. I'm talking about beliefs, politics, your foibles, those things you did (even though you don't do them anymore) that define you for life. "Remember when..." It's like family has put a big stamp on your forehead. A tattoo, if you will, that says, "Loses keys, is DIVORCED, doesn't have children, posts too much on Facebook, has an easy life, doesn't care about others, lives paycheck to paycheck, doesn't have it together." The stupid thing is that I actually care about what people think, particularly my family, but they will never, ever completely get me because they aren't interested in getting me. They are just interested in coming together, with all of their individual beliefs and ideas about how this life should be lived, and celebrating the holidays together because that's what families are supposed to do and we are family.

 For the most part, we were able to do that. We cooked together, complemented on each others' cooking, walked together in the snow, talked, sat in the hot tub and around the fire. We recalled stories and mingled and played games and all was well and I did feel happy to be with them because, after all, we never know how much time we've got with one another.

What I discovered is that as long as we stayed away from all the things that each of us really believe in, we were good. As long as we didn't really scratch more than the surface of each person's life or interests or what made them really tick, we were good.

Until we weren't good. Until we were going full speed backwards down a snowy driveway heading straight for a garage door with my boyfriend at the wheel. He had lost control on the ice. The only thing I really wanted to do was jump out of that car into a snow bank and disappear. But we were all in this together, like it or not, and it was a family effort to get us out.

I thought my sister's family was already merrily heading down the road heading towards Leavenworth. The right back tire of our car, the Suburu my dad and step mom rented, was stuck in the snow bank. We all got out to evaluate the situation and I heard my brother-in-law shout from the top of the driveway, "Are you guys okay?" Well, I was actually relieved that they were still there. My step mom, who has bad knees, and I cautiously made our way to the bottom of the driveway and let the others work it out. They took a shovel and dug dirt up and put it under the tires and spread salt around and made cracks in the ice with a shovel. Eventually, my boyfriend gunned the engine and made it to the top of the snowy slope alone. The rest of us were at the bottom of the driveway and it took some effort to get my step mom up the driveway as she doesn't walk much these days and especially not in icy, snowy conditions. It was a group effort that took about 30 minutes to solve and it wasn't long before we were all on our way again.

And maybe that's just it. Maybe family are actually the people who soften the blow when we are going backwards at full speed. I say this from the warmth of my mom and step dad's house in Sequim, Washington. They are snowbirds and leave the Pacific Northwest for Arizona each winter. They have given me the chance to stay in their house this winter and write and teach my online class at the college. They've given me the gift of this space, even if they don't fully understand me or how I live or what I am doing.

Today I called my boyfriend on the drive out to Dungeness Spit. I can't get cell phone reception at the house.

 "I don't think I know what I'm doing anymore or what this life is for. I feel really bummed out," I said.

"You have a great life, Kathy. I know I can't convince you of this, but you do. I'm sorry you are feeling sad."

We've had our own challenges, my boyfriend and I, mostly in the financial arena. In all other areas, he's a great match for me and we really get each other and love each other deeply. I've had some health challenges lately and sometimes I become scared that I don't have long to live, but yet there's lots that I'd still like to do.

My girlfriend Sherry keeps a gratitude journal. I'm thinking of starting one. How did we become such an isolated society? Life is not easy sometimes. Lately I feel like there's a dark cloud over me. I keep looking up to see the sun and just see clouds. Perhaps it's because I live in the Pacific Northwest. There's a reason why people escape to places like Arizona and Florida in the winter. It can get very depressing here.

Despite the darkness and the cold, I walked for three miles or so out on Dungeness Spit today. I listened to the waves crash on the shore and when the water receded, I drew my wishes in the sand with a bamboo stick. I wrote, in capital letters, HEALTH, BOOKS, LOVE, HOUSE, TRAVEL.

 And then a gigantic wave formed in front of me, crashed and moved like lava towards my wishes erasing any trace of them. I walked on the clean slate of beach in front of me leaving only footprints and even those were devoured. I couldn't leave a trace if I wanted to. And I learned that I wasn't going backwards, not really. I was just going. Maybe that's all I need to do.

A Bridge to Another World

Dear Fellow Earthlings,

 Last night I dreamt that I was in Europe and got an opportunity to take a trip to a very mystical place. My friends had only one extra ticket and invited me. I can't be sure of the country, but it was snowy and cold, so the place felt a bit like Sweden or Norway or.....Narnia? My friends picked me up in a neighboring country and we drove over the border and high up in the snowy mountains towards a castle that was on an island. In order to visit this castle, we had to cross a bridge thousands of feet above the frozen water below. This was fine, except the bridge was made entirely of snow and it was very narrow. Only one car could pass at a time and there were no guardrails. Just setting out to cross this bridge could mean an untimely death, yet the castle on the other side was something not to be missed and the snow bridge itself, on the way to the castle, was celestial. We decided to risk it. The car swerved a bit on the bridge and many times we came very close to the edge. I remember feeling my heart in my throat looking down over the edge while watching snow fall. We did eventually get to the other side, but I don't remember much of the dream after that. I think the journey getting there was more interesting than the actual place.

Perhaps this dream is a metaphor for life and maybe a metaphor for my life right now, particularly. I can feel that I'm about to walk out on the edge again. I can feel I will complete my next book....finally. I have a ways to go, but I have carved out 4-5 days a week to work on it starting in January. I am afraid, actually, that I won't finish it and it is so important to me to do so. In fact, I have two books I'm working on simultaneously, one is the first book in a trilogy of fiction books and the other is a memoir or somewhat of a sequel to my first book. It takes so much energy to put myself out there again. Sometimes it feels like crossing a bridge that will never end. It's so much easier just to stay in my comfort zone and not do it, but I also feel it's the most important work I will do and have done. The memoir is calling me the strongest and I feel it will inform my trilogy series, so I would like to finish the memoir first.

I've been a bit melancholy. This turning-clocks-forward thing is getting me down. At 4:00pm, it's practically dark outside. I couldn't take just sitting inside when I got off from work, so I pulled off my work clothes and slipped into jeans and my down jacket and walked to Whole Foods for dinner and then upstairs to East West Bookshop for an astrology reading. The woman there confirmed that I would finish my book(s) and that they would be successful, but that it would be work and I'd have to stay focused.

 It's been a little over a month since I've turned 50. Today I found a video of a Kickstarter I created 10 days before my 45th birthday. I was still married then. In the Kickstarter, I asked friends and family to donate to help me be able to take time off to write. I never put it out there.

Perhaps there was just too much going on with my life? In fact, less than a year after making that video, my marriage fell apart and instead of moving forward, I went into a deep, dark cave of grief. I had felt so much confidence and the end of my marriage set me way back.

Over the last 4 years, however, I've made  huge leaps and bounds in my life. I created a new character, Venus on Fire, and performed a burlesque show in front of dozens of strangers on Capitol Hill in Seattle, I made a new boyfriend, I set up a psychic business and have taught many intuitive writing classes. I left my Seattle home that I shared with my ex-husband for almost 13 years and I've lived in Hawaii and traveled to Australia, New Zealand, Italy, France and Switzerland. In Italy, I co-led a retreat in Tuscany with 9 people. I did Pet Sitting in Port Townsend, Seattle and Italy. I have lived in my co-worker's basement apartment for a little over a year and I will move to my mom's in Sequim on December 15th for the winter to write and teach one class mostly online. Who knows where I will go after that?

I am moving forward and doing all the things I've dreamed of. In fact, often my dreams are so clear that they truly inform my waking life. I feel the Hood Canal Bridge on my way to Sequim could very well be that bridge to another world. I feel my life WILL open in more ways than I can imagine. I'm moving forwards. It's not a question of IF and not even a question of WHEN. It's happening RIGHT NOW. I'm on THAT bridge! There's no going back....