"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink clamoring to become visible."
--Vladimir Novokov
Hello fellow Earthlings,
How are you? Today, right now, I'm up on the second floor of my office, with sunlight shining through my window making my plants (and me) extra happy! I'm also staring at this blank page.
The cursor is there waiting. It's blinking. I have so much to say both on this blog and in my new book. I think part of my problem is that I want to get it all just right rather than just getting it out and on the page. It stops me from writing at all. I have this idea that things need to be a certain way before they can become anything. It's hard to explain.
Here we are in March and February was a blur. I got off Facebook on February 15th. I needed time and I was wasting too much time on social media. I temporarily deleted my account so that I could focus a bit more.
January and February were hard months for me. I went through some emotional and physical turmoil. As I mentioned in my last post, I opened Pandora's box when I decided to dive into my next book about transformation that was instigated by my first marriage ending. I had no idea that so much unresolved pain would resurface and manifest in both physical and mental pain. My eyes got infected, I got sick, I felt deep depression and the cold, gloomy weather didn't help. I went into self-care and self-healing mode and it felt right. I didn't produce much on the book front, but I did a lot of necessary healing.
Now I'm like the ground hog who pops his head up from under the earth to check if spring is here. It's time to spring forward, I feel. New energy is circling around me. I feel a shift. I had planned to finish three chapters of my book by the end of March, but I only finished one (I have a total of 100 pages written, but it all needs focus and some revising). I'm cutting myself some slack though.
I'm teaching two college classes online and it's been a lot of work. Winter quarter will end for me on the first day of spring. At least that's when I plan to get all the tests graded and all my administrative work turned in.
And then I'm going on an adventure...
It's been awhile. I'm on Trusted Housesitters (If you are reading this and want the link, I have a 25% off code for you, so let me know). I pet sit for animals all over the world. I love taking care of pets because I don't have any of my own and I like the idea of being able to travel and see new places. I've pet sat in Port Townsend, Seattle, Shoreline and Chimacum in Washington State, Hawaii and Rome and Lucca, Italy. My next cat sit is at a post and beam farm house on 50 acres in Connecticut where I will take care of one sweet cat. This sit happens to fall exactly on my spring break from college, so on March 23rd, I'll drive two hours to my destination. I will stay there for 10 nights and then drive back. Scott will come see me on one of the weekends. My goal on this sit it to WRITE, WRITE WRITE and tune into nature and nurture myself and take care of one adorable cat, of course! I may explore the little towns nearby too. I can't wait for this retreat. I am so looking forward to it!
Then, on April 3rd, I start a new college quarter and I'm teaching a DOUBLE LOAD of classes online. That will be challenging, but I am doubling up with the anticipation of possibly taking summer quarter off to travel, plan a wedding, etc.! We've rented out our Cape Cod condo for all of August and the first weekend in September. We plan to go to Europe to honeymoon before our wedding. (Eat your dessert first, you don't know what tomorrow will bring...lol). Then, on September 30th, we are getting married on Cape Cod!!! Whoa...crazy to say it and so much to do.
Today I had a counseling session. I talked with my counselor about intention and flow. I have been able to manifest quite a bit in my life by setting intentions and collaborating with my higher self (God, universe or whatever you want to call it). The small girl in me is often contracted and afraid. I've been working on remembering that my higher self is ever present and willing to communicate with that scared, small girl who has been affected by grief, trauma, pain, etc. Those are things that happened, but those things are not me. The conversation between that girl and my higher self has been an incredibly healing one. In that conversation, I've been able to let go of quite a lot. I want to keep that communication open and ever present. It makes a huge difference on how I navigate my life.
So this blank page wasn't so scary after all. Not sure if it has any focus, but sometimes words just want to come out in whatever way and later the focus can be found. Last night I saw the movie Emily at Cape Cinema with Scott. It's about Emily Bronte and her life. The screen writer took a lot of artistic license, but it was a powerful character sketch of a woman who went through so much. She was powerful, raw, real, unafraid (yet also shy and scared when forced into formal situations or pressed to follow societal norms). I felt a lot of myself in her. She felt she had failed in some way, but she was true to herself which gained her lots of accolades. Strangely, that was not really what she was after. She needed to express herself. The scene where she was upstairs in her bedroom with a single candle and a quill pen staring at the blank page was so relatable to me. She had to open her big bedroom windows and let in the bird calls, and fragrances of flowers and the wild wind. Only then could she write. She let it all in and let the writing come just as naturally as the sun rises and nature creates a new day.
I feel a lot of creative energy bubbling inside of me. The door between me and my higher self is open. The conversation is intimate. I'm letting the words come out and allowing them to land where they may. I'm feeling and sensing. I'm tuning in. I'm not afraid to fail. I'm going to let it all flow...
