Monday, May 25, 2020

Reflections of Self Healing Day Two: Nature Holds the Key


Dear Earthlings,




"...the heart in thee is the heart of all; not a valve, not a wall, not an intersection is there anywhere in nature, but one blood rolls uninterruptedly an endless circulation through all men, as the water of the globe is all one sea, and, truly seen, its tide is one."—Ralph Waldo Emerson


Wowee! What a world we are living in. So much unknown out there and everyone is trying to assert their own opinions of what is true. What is true for you may not be true for me. Now there's a TRUTH. 

I had a dream last night where millions of people were staring into tiny screens the size of Zoom boxes looking for all the answers. They were focused on the screen to tell them what to believe. And these individual screens became very REAL for each person. They were so real that they couldn't imagine believing anything beyond what they saw or read on the SCREEN.

The screens and images on the screen became part of their brains and bodies. They each walked around with a screen for a brain. 

And they forgot about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees. It was all about people. It wasn't even about EARTHLINGS, but people who were separated from their environment. And as long as they tuned into the screen, the perceived safety of that little square, all was okay, so each one of them thought.

But then people started attacking each other because their screen information didn't match another person's screen information. They were all reacting to what was projected on their screens. And then they were trying to find screens that matched their screens to attack the other screens.

Gee Whiz, maybe there's been waaaaaay too much screen time these days!

Yesterday I spent the entire day gardening with my boyfriend. He lives in a house in Shoreline and the person who lived there before him was into gardening and left an amazing garden, but it had become overgrown and chaotic.

It felt so good to get my hands in the earth and to feel my body as part of the earth. Stepping into that garden allowed me to move away from the screen and step into my own frequency. I felt my hands touch the soil. I dug holes and planted tomatoes, zucchini, peppers, herbs and other veggies. I smelled that pungent earthy smell of composted soil with all those nutrients. I plucked some mint and popped it into my mouth. I harvested leeks and collard greens and celery and made a fragrant stir fry, adding herbs and other spices. All my senses came to life. 

When I work long hours on the computer, I'm aware of a metallic energy. It doesn't feel natural. Sometimes my body becomes cold and I have to get in a Himalayan salt bath to feel my natural energy again. It's only when I get outside and feel my body move under the leafy green trees and along the pine-needled path that I feel alive and part of each thing. My boyfriend found a bird feeder in his shed. I filled it with wild finch seed and today a finch with a glowing orange breast came to the feeder for several minutes. I watched in awe of this creature as it fluttered its wings in happiness at this amazing feast. 

This morning, my boyfriend and I juiced beets, apples, celery, carrots, ginger and collard greens from the garden. Drinking this elixir was like drinking the earth itself. I could feel every cell come alive and I felt my body connect deep down into the many layers of earth and then outward to every living thing. And when I grounded myself, I felt my own frequency. It wasn't part of the so-called world-wide web. It wasn't about Zoom or governments, or money, or the daily news. It was beyond right and wrong and judgements and criticisms and thoughts and fear.

 It was a web so ancient and immense, with an intelligence much greater than anything we humans could ever dream up. It extended and connected all of life. It vibrated and pulsated with pure energy. Life and death were part of the entire picture. They were as natural as the brilliant hues of autumn foliage, which are essentially dead leaves. There was no need to preserve anything because each living thing fed back into the earth to bring new life. We are drops of water in the ocean of time, yet we are living like we are the most important beings on the planet. We rush around in cars with schedules chocked full and in the end we have no time for anything. We've been running to our own demise for some time.

When I'm able to pull my energy back to my core or center,  I'm able to feel my own breath, sensations, emotions, intuition, inner stirrings and senses. I'm not seeking outside myself for answers. The answers are always right here in each moment and each moment becomes my life. 

Earthlings were not meant to be locked inside with computers, they are part of this earthly web and disconnecting from it can have much more dire consequences than anything currently threatening the human species.

My own experience tells me to connect with nature. Nature holds the key to everything and it also nourishes my life and all lives. It can survive without us, but we can't survive without it. By tuning into nature on a very deep level, I sense a language that has been forgotten. It's in the wind, the trees, the calls of birds, the tides, the phases of the moon and sun. It's in me.

Friday, May 22, 2020

Reflections on Self Healing Day One: Walking With Your Wounds Wide Open


Hello fellow Earthlings,

I thought I'd try my hand at a poem today. I used to write poetry in college and even published some of my poetry, but gave it up long ago. Well, here, I go:

Walking With Your Wounds Wide Open
That place
where you touch me
makes me recoil
in fear
that you will see my wound
beneath masks
smiles are
hidden
And I'm safe
for now
perched 
high above
in this 
nest 
over 
the 
city
where 
no one 
can 
see 
my wound.
Facebook 
Fakebook
who 
are 
you 
inside?
What if our wounds met?
What if we removed the masks?
What if you saw 
who I really am?
Heart to heart
Hand in Hand
Don't touch
Don't breath
Don't speak
Just hold me close
in 
silence.

Well, that poem just wants to be there for now. Most of my writing is stream of consciousness. I don't edit much. The last few days have been an assault to the senses, all of them beaten raw. Three days ago, I felt like a bird that had entered a building and was trapped inside frantically looking for an exit. I felt like I was banging my bruised body against glass. I so want everyone to be okay, but I am not. I'm not here to please you and I don't owe you anything. My life and my story are just as important as yours. If we could walk with hands over hearts and say, "I see you and I feel you," what a world we would have. Fighting, anger, the silent treatment, narcissism, control, assumptions, false perceptions, medication, spiritual bypass, corruption, manipulation, alcoholism, drug addiction, lying, stealing, speaking behind others backs are all there like royal cloaks covering these gaping wounds. I too have participated in this madness. What in the world are we doing? All of it made me want to flee and so I took up residence in this perch high above the city for a few days. I took off my mask and my shoes and sat here on the edge of the bed with nothing on but this wound. It's the one I've carried around since childhood. It's the one that pleases and wants everyone to feel okay. It's the one that worries that I'll say something that will upset you. It's the one that is afraid to get too close to my lover because I might let down my guard completely and be seen and fully loved for who I am. It's the wound that keeps getting reinfected because I let others trample all over it. I keep giving people the benefit of the doubt, only to get smacked down again. Did I tell you that I have a really good counselor? She has seen me since my husband left. She couldn't get through to him, but she got through to me. She sees right into my soul and holds me in that place where it hurts and sits with me there and tells me "That's where the good work is happening, let's stay there." And her heart opens wide and so does mine. Your story and your life are important, but what story do you want to live now? I am done carrying this wound around, but in order for it to heal, it needs deep love and attention.  No one in the world can give me that love and care if I don't give it to myself. Two nights ago, I took a bath in the clawfoot tub. Inside I sprinkled scented Himalayan salt. Salt for the wounds is so painful, but so healing. I sat in that steaming water and let it soothe me. I let go and allowed myself to be cradled in that warmth. And when I got out, I rubbed coconut oil over my skin and took deep sips of herbal tea and breathed. And I saw that this spot was no longer raw and exposed and vulnerable. I saw that it was healing and that it was not in danger of being cut open again because it had received the proper attention and care. It had received my own deep love. And this morning, after being here alone for three days without much interaction, I walked through the city in the pouring rain through half-deserted streets and boarded up shops and I knew, with full confidence, that I will never again hide who I am. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm going to fly high. Soon I will fly from this perch, but I won't be going back to where I came from. I'm flying to where my heart sings! I'm heading back to where the eagle soars. I know what it feels like to have those piercing eyes stare straight into my soul. 



The eagle that stared into my soul at Dungeness Spit
The eagle is Scorpio's totem along with the Phoenix. I wear the sign of death and transformation. I'm not afraid to die. While a scar may still remain, it doesn't brand me for life. I'm free to choose my path. I'm free to die each day. And this story will be written and it may not be the one you thought you'd read, but it will be true and it will be good.