My Second Saturn Return and Re-Establishing Myself as an Author

"You are never too old to set another goal or dream a new dream. "-C.S. Lewis

I have no idea what happened to me. One moment I was in the prime of my life, out on book tour living my best life and launching my career as an author and three or so years after that, my life took a major blow and knocked me out for the count. I know and I don't know what happened to me. One thing I KNOW for sure, I don't want to be a one-hit wonder. I have several more books under my belt that want to be released into the world, some half written, some just ideas, and one particular book is literally burning a hole in my chest. It soooo wants to be born. 

 A week or so ago, after a grueling quarter at my college, where I have taught ESL and small business to immigrants and refugees for over twenty years, I went into a dark-night-of-the-soul kind of depression. I couldn't move. I sat staring out the window at the hummingbird feeder on my porch wondering what had happened to all the hummingbirds of the world. Had they simply disappeared? Did I not get the sugar to water balance correct? Was the feeder clogged? Had I used the wrong kind of sugar? I was fixated on this feeder like my life depended on it. No birds. They weren't interested. 

It's only been six months since we moved to this new house out on the Olympic Peninsula of Washington State. This house chose us. It sucked us in. There is something very creative that is meant to happen out here amongst the towering trees. I moved here with my second husband, Scott. We got married on Cape Cod, on September 30, 2023, 8 years and one month after my first husband left me. 

Now it's been over 10 years since I suddenly had to start a new life...TEN YEARS! There have been all kinds of twists and turns and travels since then. Scott and I have traveled the world, led spiritual retreats, we even picked up and left Washington State during the Pandemic in order to live out near the wild beaches of Cape Cod for 5 years.

Twist and turns and fun and games and wild roller coaster rides... I wouldn't take them back. It's been one of the best periods of my life. But something got left behind along the way. Something has been left UNFINISHED. I guess you could say that there is some serious unfinished business left to tend to.

So I have mysteriously and not-so-mysteriously arrived at a wooden house on a half acre on the Olympic Peninsula surrounded by god-like trees. I've returned to Washington State, my birthplace. The trees surrounding our home are so tall that I feel quite humbled and small in their presence. They are guardians of this land. Their roots are deep and run under us creating an intricate system that I can't see, but it's doing a number on me. It's calling me to dig deep down. Way down. And I know I have to go there, but instead I find myself scrolling and researching about some random person I don't know who has died in some strange accident or Chat GPT-ing the best place to see the Solar Eclipse in August. I find myself half signing up for travels and excursions. I doom scroll. I scroll for fun. I scroll for research. I scroll for travel.  I go to Facebook and Instagram without thinking and hours pass before my little head pops up from the internet sea and I realize, "My God, how long have I been gone?" 

My God, how long have I been gone? That sentence right there sums up how I feel. That's it in a nutshell. 

I have been listening to The Telepathy Tapes podcast. Have you listened to it? That is the sole time- consumer that has proved to be completely worthy of my time. On one of the episodes, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the creative process and writing. She says she'll "show up" at her writing desk for a certain period of time and it doesn't matter what she does because she "showed up." If she's on a roll with writing, she won't work into the wee hours of the night. Nope. She'll sit down for a set amount of time and leave mid-sentence sometimes. The idea, I guess, is that if you are on a roll and you keep writing, you will have nothing left to give. You'll burn out. I like this idea.

So right now, I've got to go check the mail, and when I come back, I plan to write for another hour. I'm going to try this system out. I'm going to write for two hours a day (on either this blog or my book) with a break in between and if I have to leave mid-sentence, that's fine. I will give myself breaks after the first hour. Here's my first break right now. Off to the mailbox I go...

I went downstairs, the house is quiet. Scott is in Seattle helping a friend remodel a house. We had guests for the past two days. It's been fun meeting new people in our hood and reconnecting with old friends from Seattle. But I need this quiet. I know I need it. The first thing I noticed when I went downstairs is that all the flowers on our white orchid plant were crumpled up on the floor like crumpled up pieces of paper. It's how I feel right now. I'm wondering if this blog post should be in the crumpled up paper heap. Those bare branches of that orchid scared me. Like a death I didn't know would happen and I'm not sure if flowers will ever bloom again from it. 

But I've got to believe they will.

The mailman never came to deliver the mail either. The birthday card I put in there for a friend is still in there. The little red flag on the mailbox is still up. 

Little red flags everywhere. Little red flags.

He's got to deliver the mail eventually. 

Am I going mad?

I see a vision of myself. It's one I haven't seen for a while. It was sparked by looking at pictures of when I was on book tour for my book "Lessons from the Monk I Married" in 2012.

I see this young, 42-year-old powerful woman with all her dreams unfolding. They are unfolding so fast that there was nothing to prevent her from believing that every single one of them can come true. She's one who is not afraid AT ALL. She doesn't KNOW 100% if all her dreams will pan out, but she BELIEVES they will. And she's going to give it her all. She's going to give it her best shot. I see her and I'm really proud of her and as I look at her, I think What happened to her?

On Book Tour in 2012 @ Book Passage in California

On Book Tour in 2012 @Powells Books in Oregon

                                             Signing Books at Powells Books in Oregon in 2012

                                             On Book Tour in 2012 @ Elliott Bay Bookstore in Seattle 

And I feel it in my bones. She is still in there. She's in there. She's been tapping on the sealed-off case of this body for years. Hello, hello? Anyone out there. Open up. I'm still in here. 

I sealed something off when that marriage of mine ended 10 years or so ago. Something happened when that rug got pulled out from under me. I locked the box and threw away the key. I moved on, but didn't move in. I didn't completely look at what is IN there. And gee whiz, whatever is in there doesn't require a key anymore. The lid of that box has come unhinged. No lock required. And I've been peeking in there and it's scary. It's much easier to doom scroll on the internet than to look at what's in there. 

But I'm opening the box. No more excuses. 

On that day that I was so depressed, about a week ago, when I didn't think things could get any darker (and I generally don't go into depression much), I walked outside and felt the coolness of the porch cement on my bare feet and just then, I heard it.

It buzzed past my left ear. Its head was bright red. It was a Rufous Hummingbird. And the reason I hadn't seen any is that they are migratory. They had made their way up from Mexico and my house out here in the forest was a stop on their tour. And they've been hanging out for awhile. They have made their appearance very well known. They are at my feeder day and night, buzzing here and there. 

And of course I had to Google the spiritual meaning of Rufous Hummingbirds. I think these little guys are now my spirit animals. Here are the key points:

• Overcoming adversity 
• Resilience
• Strength
• Adaptability
• Territorial (For me it means boundaries around my goals and how I spend my time)
• Ability to follow-through and embrace change

If their little fluttering bodies can travel all the way from Mexico to Alaska and make a stop at my house along the way, I can surely take on this challenge of looking deep within to see what is calling me and take action on these things. 

  

So the hummingbirds have returned and you know what else is returning? My Saturn is returning. It's my second Saturn and I'm smack-dab in the middle of this one and it's BIG! My Saturn is in my 5th house and it is in Aries. The 5th house is about creative endeavors and Aries is asking me to take a bold risk and to see it through to the end. I know what that bold risk is. I know it with all my heart. Aries is calling me to be courageous and work towards my goals. 

And I have also returned home to Washington State, where I was born. I've even made a full circle back to the Psychic School in Seattle where I met Scott for the very first time more than 10 years ago. I sort of feel like these hummingbirds making my return, albeit, it took awhile to get back.

Things are coming full circle. So many returns and circling back arounds. And now I feel like I'm ready to ground and dive on in. Yikes!

I've always thought of freedom as just having endless free time to do whatever I want to do and go wherever I want to go, but that's not what freedom is. All of that unstructured time can lead to inertia and ungroundedness. I've certainly fallen deep down into this hole. This new return is calling me to put foundations under these dreams of mine. This house and these trees have me rooted here for now. This is a good place to begin again. It doesn't mean I won't travel. It's in my blood to travel and explore, but I feel like I have a firm home base now. It feels supportive and nurturing. 

I would like to say out loud, here on this blog, who I am, what my current projects are and how I plan to achieve my goals. I feel like if I can say these things out loud, I can claim them for myself and own them. 

Who am I? 

I am an internationally published author. (My book was traditionally published through an agent in NYC and a foreign agent in London. Publishers in California, China, Taiwan and Croatia bought the rights to my book, making me an internationally published author for my book Lessons from the Monk I Married). I am a spiritual retreat leader who has led wellness retreats all over the world. I am an intuitive writing teacher and have taught a dozen 5-week intuitive writing courses. I am a psychic who is currently in a teacher's training program at a well-known psychic school in Seattle called Psychic Awakenings and I have completed a 9-month Clairvoyant Awareness Program at that very school long ago and met my husband Scott at that school. He is currently a teacher there. I am training to be a Psychic Teacher in order to help others hone in on their intuition. I am a Psychic Reader and have done dozens of psychic readings for people which have helped them on their paths. I am highly intuitive and tend to always follow my intuition and if I don't, it gets louder than fluttering hummingbird wings around here :) I am also an ESL and Business Teacher for immigrants and refugees at Edmonds College (It's my "day job" and I love my students and I love helping them fulfill their dreams. I have done this job for over 20 years).

What are my projects?

I am more than half-way through my next memoir Venus on Fire. I plan to finish it by the end of this year. I plan to also create an LLC with my husband for our classes and retreats and to set up my psychic reading business. I will make a new website as an author and also a website for my readings, retreats and classes. I also hope to take care of my health by eating right and exercising, which will help me with my projects! I hope to plan some new wellness retreats and get cracking on my own travel plans for this year. I am a member of my local YMCA where I do yoga and Qi Gong and other classes and I walk daily for 2-7 miles a day. I hope to add weight training to my workout and more cardio. I go to Seattle once a week for my STP (Spiritual Teacher's Program) at the psychic school. I will graduate from that training in June and I will start teaching in June as well.

How will I achieve these things?

I will devote 2-3 hours a day to "just showing up" at my desk and working on writing my book, my spiritual classes and retreats business, and my websites.  I will choose a time that works best for me. I will write regularly on this blog or another one that I create. I'll continue to go to classes at the YMCA and continue walking 2-7 miles a day. I will continue with my STP classes. I will work on meal planning, etc. 

There, I said it. I put it all out there. And I'm scared out of my mind that I won't be able to accomplish all of these things, but I know now how important they are to me and if I fall off the horse, I plan to get right back up there. The most important one to me right now is my current book. I want to finish it. 

I hope to use this blog, or a new one I create, to hold myself accountable for these projects and to stay true to who I am and to take y'all on this journey with me. Here I go....

How about you? Do you have goals or dreams you are working on and want to accomplish?

Going Backwards at Full Speed

Hello fellow Earthlings,
I'm alone in Sequim today and I've been really contemplating what this life is for? Don't get me wrong, I'm not at the end of my rope, but sometimes it feels like I'm going backwards at full speed.

 I spent the holidays in a remote, small cabin with my family for 3 nights. Try that out. I dare you. Whatever you believed you were or how much you thought you knew what you were doing and where you were going, family reminds you of all the things you'd rather not dig up or get into. I'm talking about beliefs, politics, your foibles, those things you did (even though you don't do them anymore) that define you for life. "Remember when..." It's like family has put a big stamp on your forehead. A tattoo, if you will, that says, "Loses keys, is DIVORCED, doesn't have children, posts too much on Facebook, has an easy life, doesn't care about others, lives paycheck to paycheck, doesn't have it together." The stupid thing is that I actually care about what people think, particularly my family, but they will never, ever completely get me because they aren't interested in getting me. They are just interested in coming together, with all of their individual beliefs and ideas about how this life should be lived, and celebrating the holidays together because that's what families are supposed to do and we are family.

 For the most part, we were able to do that. We cooked together, complemented on each others' cooking, walked together in the snow, talked, sat in the hot tub and around the fire. We recalled stories and mingled and played games and all was well and I did feel happy to be with them because, after all, we never know how much time we've got with one another.

What I discovered is that as long as we stayed away from all the things that each of us really believe in, we were good. As long as we didn't really scratch more than the surface of each person's life or interests or what made them really tick, we were good.

Until we weren't good. Until we were going full speed backwards down a snowy driveway heading straight for a garage door with my boyfriend at the wheel. He had lost control on the ice. The only thing I really wanted to do was jump out of that car into a snow bank and disappear. But we were all in this together, like it or not, and it was a family effort to get us out.

I thought my sister's family was already merrily heading down the road heading towards Leavenworth. The right back tire of our car, the Suburu my dad and step mom rented, was stuck in the snow bank. We all got out to evaluate the situation and I heard my brother-in-law shout from the top of the driveway, "Are you guys okay?" Well, I was actually relieved that they were still there. My step mom, who has bad knees, and I cautiously made our way to the bottom of the driveway and let the others work it out. They took a shovel and dug dirt up and put it under the tires and spread salt around and made cracks in the ice with a shovel. Eventually, my boyfriend gunned the engine and made it to the top of the snowy slope alone. The rest of us were at the bottom of the driveway and it took some effort to get my step mom up the driveway as she doesn't walk much these days and especially not in icy, snowy conditions. It was a group effort that took about 30 minutes to solve and it wasn't long before we were all on our way again.

And maybe that's just it. Maybe family are actually the people who soften the blow when we are going backwards at full speed. I say this from the warmth of my mom and step dad's house in Sequim, Washington. They are snowbirds and leave the Pacific Northwest for Arizona each winter. They have given me the chance to stay in their house this winter and write and teach my online class at the college. They've given me the gift of this space, even if they don't fully understand me or how I live or what I am doing.

Today I called my boyfriend on the drive out to Dungeness Spit. I can't get cell phone reception at the house.

 "I don't think I know what I'm doing anymore or what this life is for. I feel really bummed out," I said.

"You have a great life, Kathy. I know I can't convince you of this, but you do. I'm sorry you are feeling sad."

We've had our own challenges, my boyfriend and I, mostly in the financial arena. In all other areas, he's a great match for me and we really get each other and love each other deeply. I've had some health challenges lately and sometimes I become scared that I don't have long to live, but yet there's lots that I'd still like to do.

My girlfriend Sherry keeps a gratitude journal. I'm thinking of starting one. How did we become such an isolated society? Life is not easy sometimes. Lately I feel like there's a dark cloud over me. I keep looking up to see the sun and just see clouds. Perhaps it's because I live in the Pacific Northwest. There's a reason why people escape to places like Arizona and Florida in the winter. It can get very depressing here.

Despite the darkness and the cold, I walked for three miles or so out on Dungeness Spit today. I listened to the waves crash on the shore and when the water receded, I drew my wishes in the sand with a bamboo stick. I wrote, in capital letters, HEALTH, BOOKS, LOVE, HOUSE, TRAVEL.

 And then a gigantic wave formed in front of me, crashed and moved like lava towards my wishes erasing any trace of them. I walked on the clean slate of beach in front of me leaving only footprints and even those were devoured. I couldn't leave a trace if I wanted to. And I learned that I wasn't going backwards, not really. I was just going. Maybe that's all I need to do.

A Bridge to Another World

Dear Fellow Earthlings,

 Last night I dreamt that I was in Europe and got an opportunity to take a trip to a very mystical place. My friends had only one extra ticket and invited me. I can't be sure of the country, but it was snowy and cold, so the place felt a bit like Sweden or Norway or.....Narnia? My friends picked me up in a neighboring country and we drove over the border and high up in the snowy mountains towards a castle that was on an island. In order to visit this castle, we had to cross a bridge thousands of feet above the frozen water below. This was fine, except the bridge was made entirely of snow and it was very narrow. Only one car could pass at a time and there were no guardrails. Just setting out to cross this bridge could mean an untimely death, yet the castle on the other side was something not to be missed and the snow bridge itself, on the way to the castle, was celestial. We decided to risk it. The car swerved a bit on the bridge and many times we came very close to the edge. I remember feeling my heart in my throat looking down over the edge while watching snow fall. We did eventually get to the other side, but I don't remember much of the dream after that. I think the journey getting there was more interesting than the actual place.

Perhaps this dream is a metaphor for life and maybe a metaphor for my life right now, particularly. I can feel that I'm about to walk out on the edge again. I can feel I will complete my next book....finally. I have a ways to go, but I have carved out 4-5 days a week to work on it starting in January. I am afraid, actually, that I won't finish it and it is so important to me to do so. In fact, I have two books I'm working on simultaneously, one is the first book in a trilogy of fiction books and the other is a memoir or somewhat of a sequel to my first book. It takes so much energy to put myself out there again. Sometimes it feels like crossing a bridge that will never end. It's so much easier just to stay in my comfort zone and not do it, but I also feel it's the most important work I will do and have done. The memoir is calling me the strongest and I feel it will inform my trilogy series, so I would like to finish the memoir first.

I've been a bit melancholy. This turning-clocks-forward thing is getting me down. At 4:00pm, it's practically dark outside. I couldn't take just sitting inside when I got off from work, so I pulled off my work clothes and slipped into jeans and my down jacket and walked to Whole Foods for dinner and then upstairs to East West Bookshop for an astrology reading. The woman there confirmed that I would finish my book(s) and that they would be successful, but that it would be work and I'd have to stay focused.

 It's been a little over a month since I've turned 50. Today I found a video of a Kickstarter I created 10 days before my 45th birthday. I was still married then. In the Kickstarter, I asked friends and family to donate to help me be able to take time off to write. I never put it out there.

Perhaps there was just too much going on with my life? In fact, less than a year after making that video, my marriage fell apart and instead of moving forward, I went into a deep, dark cave of grief. I had felt so much confidence and the end of my marriage set me way back.

Over the last 4 years, however, I've made  huge leaps and bounds in my life. I created a new character, Venus on Fire, and performed a burlesque show in front of dozens of strangers on Capitol Hill in Seattle, I made a new boyfriend, I set up a psychic business and have taught many intuitive writing classes. I left my Seattle home that I shared with my ex-husband for almost 13 years and I've lived in Hawaii and traveled to Australia, New Zealand, Italy, France and Switzerland. In Italy, I co-led a retreat in Tuscany with 9 people. I did Pet Sitting in Port Townsend, Seattle and Italy. I have lived in my co-worker's basement apartment for a little over a year and I will move to my mom's in Sequim on December 15th for the winter to write and teach one class mostly online. Who knows where I will go after that?

I am moving forward and doing all the things I've dreamed of. In fact, often my dreams are so clear that they truly inform my waking life. I feel the Hood Canal Bridge on my way to Sequim could very well be that bridge to another world. I feel my life WILL open in more ways than I can imagine. I'm moving forwards. It's not a question of IF and not even a question of WHEN. It's happening RIGHT NOW. I'm on THAT bridge! There's no going back....