Reflections on Self Healing Day One: Walking With Your Wounds Wide Open

Hello fellow Earthlings,

I thought I'd try my hand at a poem today. I used to write poetry in college and even published some of my poetry, but gave it up long ago. Well, here, I go:

Walking With Your Wounds Wide Open

That place

where you touch me

makes me recoil

in fear

that you will see my wound

beneath masks

smiles are

hidden

And I'm safe

for now

perched 

high above

in this 

nest 

over 

the 

city

where 

no one 

can 

see 

my wound.

Facebook 

Fakebook

who 

are 

you 

inside?

What if our wounds met?

What if we removed the masks?

What if you saw 

who I really am?

Heart to heart

Hand in Hand

Don't touch

Don't breath

Don't speak

Just hold me close

in 

silence.

Well, that poem just wants to be there for now. Most of my writing is stream of consciousness. I don't edit much. The last few days have been an assault to the senses, all of them beaten raw. Three days ago, I felt like a bird that had entered a building and was trapped inside frantically looking for an exit. I felt like I was banging my bruised body against glass. I so want everyone to be okay, but I am not. I'm not here to please you and I don't owe you anything. My life and my story are just as important as yours. If we could walk with hands over hearts and say, "I see you and I feel you," what a world we would have. Fighting, anger, the silent treatment, narcissism, control, assumptions, false perceptions, medication, spiritual bypass, corruption, manipulation, alcoholism, drug addiction, lying, stealing, speaking behind others backs are all there like royal cloaks covering these gaping wounds. I too have participated in this madness. What in the world are we doing? All of it made me want to flee and so I took up residence in this perch high above the city for a few days. I took off my mask and my shoes and sat here on the edge of the bed with nothing on but this wound. It's the one I've carried around since childhood. It's the one that pleases and wants everyone to feel okay. It's the one that worries that I'll say something that will upset you. It's the one that is afraid to get too close to my lover because I might let down my guard completely and be seen and fully loved for who I am. It's the wound that keeps getting reinfected because I let others trample all over it. I keep giving people the benefit of the doubt, only to get smacked down again. Did I tell you that I have a really good counselor? She has seen me since my husband left. She couldn't get through to him, but she got through to me. She sees right into my soul and holds me in that place where it hurts and sits with me there and tells me "That's where the good work is happening, let's stay there." And her heart opens wide and so does mine. Your story and your life are important, but what story do you want to live now? I am done carrying this wound around, but in order for it to heal, it needs deep love and attention.  No one in the world can give me that love and care if I don't give it to myself. Two nights ago, I took a bath in the clawfoot tub. Inside I sprinkled scented Himalayan salt. Salt for the wounds is so painful, but so healing. I sat in that steaming water and let it soothe me. I let go and allowed myself to be cradled in that warmth. And when I got out, I rubbed coconut oil over my skin and took deep sips of herbal tea and breathed. And I saw that this spot was no longer raw and exposed and vulnerable. I saw that it was healing and that it was not in danger of being cut open again because it had received the proper attention and care. It had received my own deep love. And this morning, after being here alone for three days without much interaction, I walked through the city in the pouring rain through half-deserted streets and boarded up shops and I knew, with full confidence, that I will never again hide who I am. I'm not afraid anymore. I'm going to fly high. Soon I will fly from this perch, but I won't be going back to where I came from. I'm flying to where my heart sings! I'm heading back to where the eagle soars. I know what it feels like to have those piercing eyes stare straight into my soul. 

The eagle that stared into my soul at Dungeness Spit

The eagle is Scorpio's totem along with the Phoenix. I wear the sign of death and transformation. I'm not afraid to die. While a scar may still remain, it doesn't brand me for life. I'm free to choose my path. I'm free to die each day. And this story will be written and it may not be the one you thought you'd read, but it will be true and it will be good.

Healing for the Earth, Day 4: You are an Important Thread in the Web of the EARTH

Good evening fellow EARTHLINGS!

How are y'all on this fine evening?

 I made a little video for you.

 Perhaps, at this juncture in time, you are feeling lots of different emotions. Maybe you are feeling lonely, sad, helpless, afraid or just plain nervous. Or maybe you feel happy to have a bit of time on your hands to just BE. Or maybe you feel overwhelmed or underwhelmed or overstimulated or under-stimulated.

Whatever you are feeling, I want to tell you that YOU ARE IMPORTANT! AND you are right where you need to be doing just what you need to do, even if you don't think or feel this way.

Today I hit a bit of a wall. I've been alone for a week. All my friends are on the other side of the pond in Seattle, a ferry boat ride away. I'm out here with all the wild animals and Native Spirits, but I miss my community and actually giving hugs and looking into my fellow Earthlings sweet eyes. We are all in this together, aren't we? Now is the time to let go of the grudges. Now is not the time to judge or debate or disagree. Now is the time to come together (THINK WOODSTOCK ONLINE....lol....now there's an idea!) Now is the time to honor yourself deeply for all your foibles and to tenderly, lovingly sit with that part of you that might need some love.

It was a little bit more of a productive today. I got a lot of work done for my job at the college. I taught a class online this winter and now my skills will be needed to help teachers start the spring quarter online, as we will not be starting any classes in the classroom due to the virus.

Around 6pm, I thought I need to get out of here and get myself to a beach! It was a beautiful day ALL day, but I felt like I needed to get work done. The sun was starting to set, so I grabbed my silver-blue puffy jacket and slipped on my red boots and headed out to Jamestown Beach. The tide is always way out this time of the evening and I was excited to have my boots on this time because I wanted to walk out in the tide pools. The birds were going nuts. They were cackling and cawing and tweeting and twittering with joy, it seemed, to have this all-you-can-eat shellfish buffet right there on the sandbars. An eagle landed in a huge pine tree at the edge of the shore and made its gorgeous call out to the world from its perch. The sky was streaked with lines, reminding me of threads—white puffy cloud threads going in all different directions.

I thought, we are all threads, each one of us so important to the whole and it reminded me of the quote by Chief Sealth, for whom Seattle was named:

"Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect."—Chief Seattle, Duwamish

You are important, each one of YOU! Remember that. You are on the EARTH for a reason.

Much ALOHA to all of YOU! Keep on keeping on and love each other. You are doing great!

Love,
Katherine

Maui Musings Day 28: Living in Love

Good evening fellow Earthlings,

I've been out here on the farm in Maui for almost 28 days. About 23 days of that time has been alone. I've done silent meditation courses of 45 days, but nothing tops this. When you are on a meditation course, all your needs are taken care of. If you need a softer cushion for your butt, the management will fetch it for you. If you need to eat a gluten-free diet, the kitchen staff will prepare it for you. If you are going through a mental breakdown, the teachers on staff will walk you through it or get you the help you need.

Out here alone on the farm, it's "fend for yourself," for the most part. I'm alone, I make my food, harvest the veggies and fruit, gather chicken eggs, feed the dogs, do the wash, take the garbage down to the landfill, and spend A LOT of time by myself. There is a local living down by the gate if there are any emergencies, and there have been a few.

There were plans to paint the dome, so I moved into the big house. Two days later a large limb from a tree, that was the size of a tree itself, came crashing down and hit the dome and wiped out the yoga gazebo. I heard a huge crack, like thunder, and went out to investigate. When I saw what the tree-like limb had done, I was stunned. What if I'd been in the bathroom or on my way to the bathroom? What if the dogs had been walking back there? I thought. It was so fortunate that I had already moved to the big house. I really felt someone was looking out for me.

I knew it was Pele, Goddess of Volcanoes. I have felt her presence here the entire time I've been here. Every time a huge fear comes up or something big happens, she is standing next to me reminding me to live in love, not fear.

Again and again, I feel fears rise up and I'm able to tune into the energy of Pele or my higher self and release those fears and bring in gold light or a ring of fire around the property for protection. And then I bring in love.

I think love is the opposite of fear. When you are living in love and filled up with love from the inside, it's hard for any fears to stick around for long. It's hard to stay in a disagreement with anyone for any length of time. Usually, after a day or so, I want to make up with a person. But I realize that making up with another person can be a one-way street. If I extend love or I open the door for communication and the other person shuts that door, there's not much I can do except to continue to send love out and realize that each person is working out there own things in this life and it's nothing personal.

I am not perfect, so I will tell you that when my husband cheated on me with a younger yoga student and left our 12-plus year marriage, it was very hard to extend love or forgiveness. Instead, I felt a burning rage. I felt like Kali, Goddess of Destruction. I felt like a fire-breathing dragon ready to wipe out everything in my husband and his new-found girlfriend's path. The anger covered up a very deep, deep hurt.

It took awhile to crawl out of that hole. It took time to see the light again and to see that there was still love all around me. The only thing I was committed to at that time was loving, nurturing and healing myself. During that time, I realized that living in love did not depend on another person or situation or perfect location or right connections. Living in love started with myself.

Love was not outside myself. It is never outside myself. When I began to see love in me, I started to see the reflection of that all around me too.

Eventually, I did walk around Greenlake with my ex and I didn't want to kill him. It was a huge step! I actually wished him well, even though I did not understand his actions and had no wish to communicate on a regular basis. I felt our paths had diverged for a reason and we were on our way to becoming two very different people.

Living in love, for me, also means not always pleasing people or having people understand you. I have always wanted to get along with people. I tend to avoid conflict at all costs. But more and more, I am speaking up for what I want and not worrying or caring what others think about it.

How can you live in love when you are doing something you hate just because everyone else is doing it? What's wrong with tuning into yourself and saying, "I'm not really feeling like doing that or being that or going there." Living in love means asking yourself what you need and honoring it even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else.

I have also found that it is very counter productive to beat yourself up for not having what everyone else has. Each of us are unique individuals on the planet. Each of our lives may not look like everyone else's, but we are ALL capable and deserving of love.

Some may feel that living in love means doing things for others, but if you are not taking care of yourself, than everything will be done in vain.

Others may feel that having the perfect partner is living in love. But what if that partner betrays you or leaves you or doesn't measure up to your idea of what living in love is. Then you are left empty or angry or sad.

Coming out here to Maui to live alone and write was something I wanted to do. It was a way of honoring myself, despite all my fears about it. Again and again I have faced those fears and kept coming back to love. I have a great appreciation for myself now and my ability to be self-reliant and give myself what I need. I see that it's okay that I'm not perfect or that I don't please everyone I meet. I see that it's okay that I don't have my entire book written by now.

Being here and tuning into the land and myself was quite huge. I know I went deep and uncovered so much in these past 28 days. I have faced so many things out here on my own. I didn't resort to talking to a volleyball and I didn't go crazy. That's big!

So tonight I am honoring and loving myself for just being out here alone. I did it. I'm capable of living out in nature for 23 days with no other humans close by.

And I can also say that I'm ready for my boyfriend to visit. He will come the day after tomorrow. It will be an interesting transition after being on my own for so long, but it's a transition I'm welcoming and look forward to.

Have you ever spent any long length of time living alone out in nature? Where were you and how did it feel? Is it something you want to try?