Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Divine Earthly Experience 6: Forgiveness is a Strength, Not a Weakness

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Katherine Ponder

Good evening fellow Earthlings,

Wow, this Earth Game is not easy sometimes, right? So much going on in our lives and in the world. All of us carrying around one wound or another. It's as if we are not meeting, but our wounds are meeting each other. When our wounds meet each other, they don't usually shake hands or kiss or hug. When our wounds meet, they lash out! It's like a lion in its den licking it's paw—a bloody, mangled paw. Another lion or animal comes near and it reaches out with its healthy paw and STRIKES! Now two animals have bloody paws. Two animals are walking around wounded. Why did the lion in the den strike? Because it wanted to protect itself.

We are all doing this, to some degree. Some of us have become comfortable in hiding our wounds. We smile when we greet people. We even extend a hand. We say, "How are you?" And when we answer that question, we may say, "Oh, I'm great, couldn't be better!"

Is it true? You couldn't be better?

If so, I commend you! Your life is going GREAT and this is not the time to hear about wounds. In fact, you'd rather not talk about THAT because who knows what might come up that's just under the surface.

Have you looked to see what's just under the surface?

My life, not too long ago, was going along swimmingly, so I thought. Everything I had dreamed about came true: I was happily married, I had traveled all over the world, I had become an internationally published author. I felt on top of the world. I was at my peak and there could be no valley.

But then, suddenly, I found myself in that valley. Everything that was important to me had been stripped away. Can you imagine this? Can you imagine all that you love right now suddenly not being there?

No, I know, you don't want to think about it. Life is going GREAT and this is not the time. I thought that too. In fact, I avoided all things that had the tone of sadness, defeat or depression. I defended strength and inspiration with everything I had in me. Anything with a whiff of negativity was quickly whisked away or shown the door. I couldn't relate to people who were down in the dumps because I was at the top of my game. I didn't have time for it.

Until IT became my reality.

Now I understand.

No one is immune to it, unfortunately.

When it happened to me, I was ANGRY. Yes, I'm not afraid to say that my go to emotion, when things don't go as planned, is anger.

"How could you do this?" I said, through clenched teeth in a tone that did, in fact, sound like a wounded or dying animal.

I had just found out that my husband had had an affair. That he'd been secretly dating someone else for several months.

Oh, the humiliation! After all, I'd written a book about our marriage. It had been published in other languages even. Now what?

And the pain. I used my anger to cover my pain. The pain was unbearable. To know that my partner of twenty years was now dating a younger woman, that all his love that was once for me was now going to her.....well, shit, that just plain hurt. And the way that he tossed it all away as if it were nothing....ouch!

Four months after my husband moved out for good, I attended a 10-day silent meditation course. Usually I come out of those courses feeling blissful, peaceful, new and refreshed. For years, I've gone to these retreats and found them beneficial and still do. During the course, you have to face your REAL self. Stuff comes up to be released and some of it is not pretty, to say the least. For the first time ever, I came out of the course ANGRY. I wanted REVENGE and the ways I came up with to get revenge, were, well, a little scary. I even scared myself by thinking them. I'll spare you the details, but I'm sure you get the picture.

I rolled in anger for months. It was not pretty. Luckily, I also threw myself into every healing modality out there: massages, spas, therapists, acupuncture, hypnosis, meditation, synagogues, temples, churches, prayer, meditation. I am currently a regular student at Psychic Awakenings in Queen Anne, Seattle. I'm now in an 11-month Clairvoyant Awareness Program learning amazing tools for healing and reading myself and doing the same for others. I think my classes there have had the most impact on my healing and where I am now, but all of it certainly helped. I was committed to healing myself. It was the only thing I knew for sure that I wanted to do.

And while I know, a year and a half later, there's still more healing to do, I can say that it's all paid off.

Last Friday, I met my ex-husband in a coffee shop. I'd met him on very few occasions over the course of a year and a half because I wanted to wash that man right out of my hair and send him on his way, as the song goes.

But this time was different. I wasn't angry. I kept waiting for my pulse to start rising. I kept waiting for the lashing out to start happening. I was waiting for my friend anger to show up, but she missed our coffee date completely. And what a relief that was. I can't tell you how good it felt to let anger go.

As I sat there, drinking coffee and eating a breakfast sandwich with my ex-husband, I instead saw him for who he was. I saw that he was a human, like me, currently going through a lot of suffering. I felt compassion. It surprised me. Compassion wiggled it's way up on the chair next to me and sat there attentively listening. I remembered the good times we shared over the twenty years we were together and even though it doesn't make what he did right, I forgave him. Right then and there, I forgave him. It wasn't just a word I said, it was a feeling of forgiveness. I really felt it. I wanted the best for him. I wanted him to be okay. I wanted him to find his spark again and I really felt it. It was a long road to feel like this. It could have been even longer had I not really wanted to heal or do the work to get there.

And what does forgiveness feel like?  To me, it feels light and loving. It feels like a big relief. It feels like dropping the protection and being vulnerable and real. It feels like coming out of my lion's den, even though I was wounded. It feels like freedom and permission to walk in the light again. It feels like connection and the understanding that we are all human and we all make mistakes. I forgive myself and I forgive you. I wish the best for myself and I wish the best for you.

I don't think I could have gotten there without forgiving myself first. I had to forgive myself for my anger. I had to forgive myself for being afraid of my wounds. I had to forgive myself for not being perfect or having a perfect life. After all, who the hell has a perfect life anyway? None of us would be playing the Earth Game if we were all perfect. We are all here to learn, not let everyone know that we are "perfectly fine".

If I hear anyone say, "I'm perfectly fine," I might be inclined to say, "Dig a little deeper." It won't be sarcastic; it will be an invitation. For whom are you living this life? For others? You have an opportunity to let go of a lot here. Evolution can happen, but not if you cling to old ways of being. Not if you hide your wounds deep down inside. Your evolution is the world's evolution. I believe this.

Go to the depth of your anger, sadness, ill-will, pain, un-perfect-ness....get down to the messy and uncomfortable stuff. Go in there. Don't be afraid. I promise you, on the other side of it all, there's love....a deep, deep wellspring of love. Love for yourself and for others. I know it's hard to believe and it doesn't come easy. I've still got a lot of work to do, but it's the greatest work I've ever done.

Have you ever forgiven someone? How did it feel?

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Divine Earthly Experience 5: LOVE vs. FEAR

"Fear is the energy which contracts, closes down, draws in, runs, hides, hoards, harms. Love is the energy which expands, opens up, sends out, stays, reveals, shares, heals. Fear wraps our bodies in clothing, love allows us to stand naked. Fear clings to and clutches all that we have, love gives all that we have away. Fear holds close, love holds dear. Fear grasps, love lets go. Fear rankles, love soothes. Fear attacks, love amends. Every human thought, word, or deed is based in one emotion or the other. You have no choice about this, because there is nothing else from which to choose. But you have free choice about which of these to select.”—Neale Donald Walsch

Dear fellow Earthlings,

So much is changing on our sacred earth, there is widespread fear, chaos, anger. These emotions are not only felt on a global level, but they are trickling down to our personal relationships. They are affecting how we move about in the world. The collective consciousness on the planet is ailing. People are standing up and speaking out. People are mad, sad, depressed. Many feel that they MUST DO SOMETHING NOW!

Slow down, just for a few moments.

Slow way down.


Step away from the computer and go outside for a moment.

What do you see....?

A cloud, rain, a bird, sunlight?

Be with that moment and go into it. Be in the center of yourself.

In the center of yourself is YOUR HEART.

Are you moving from your heart or your head?

Close your eyes and really feel inside.

Are thoughts swimming around inside of you?

Let them go.

Feel inside your heart. What does it tell you to do? Is your heart expanding or contracting? Does it feel light or heavy?

Before you take any action, always check in with your heart. Come from a place of LOVE.

Love expands and connects.

Fear contracts and separates us from our fellow humans beings.

Keep going into love. In every instance, FEEL LOVE.

You may believe you are helping others, but you could in fact be harming others if the inner feeling of love is not there. Are you acting out of ego. Are you defending your side. Are you angrily fighting or are you peacefully marching?

There is a difference and it affects the entire planet and every single human being.

Humans could be the very first species to destroy each other because we can't see each other AS FELLOW EARTHLINGS! We can't see that we are all CONNECTED!

Instead, we see our differences and we fight for those. We make our fight more important than LOVE. When someone throws fire at us, we want to throw it back.

Our differences, in fact, are what make us ALL unique and beautiful.

I'm not exempt from this. I spent so much of my life throwing fire at others. When I felt hurt, abused, attacked or scared, I threw those very things right back. And how, I ask, does this help me or ANYONE or ANYTHING? How does it raise the consciousness of the planet?

I think there is a place for fear. If we are being physically or psychologically attacked and in imminent danger, than fear can be helpful. Feeling the heart beat fast in our chest and the rush of adrenaline through our veins gives us the necessary strength to remove ourselves from potentially harmful situations, especially if our lives are being threatened in this very moment.

But is anything life threatening happening to you in this very moment? Are you faced with a life or death situation RIGHT NOW?

So fear, then, turns to worry and where did worry ever get us? Most of the time we find that our worries were in vain. What actually happens turns out MUCH BETTER than we thought.

Part of the problem is that we are too comfortable. Not all of us, but many of us.  If you are sitting here in the luxury of your heated/air-conditioned home, a cup of tea and a snack at your side, reading this now, then you are comfortable. You have a house or apartment, a car, a family, food, water, heat....a computer. You've got a toilet, sink, shower or bathtub. You've got hot water. What is there to worry about?

What is there to worry about RIGHT NOW? What are you afraid of right now? I'm not talking about yesterday or in the future, but this very moment. Are you okay?

If you reply, "Yes, well I'm okay, I could be better." 

Could be better....hmmmmm. Is what you have and are right now not enough? 

Maybe you feel there is more that you could DO right now to help others. Maybe you feel, from your place of comfort, you are not doing enough. So now you are back on the path of FEAR....afraid of not doing enough, being enough. BE WHAT YOU ARE RIGHT NOW. Really embrace it and sink into. If you are meant to do something else, eventually YOU WILL.

Can you sink into the moment right now and have gratitude for it. Can you have gratitude, or LOVE even, for what you have? Can you let go of the worries, even the worries of the WORLD, for a moment and love where you are, who you are and what you are. Can you do that?

There are many things I could complain about, worry about or be fearful about, but I'm a true believer in the fact that what you put out there you get back, 100 times over. Not only for YOU, but for everyone!

So yes, LOVE and GRATITUDE is the road I'm on, not FEAR and LACK.

I'm grateful for the warm house where I'm currently housesitting. I'm grateful for the delicious food in the fridge and the cat curled up in a chair. I'm grateful for my Macbook Pro and wifi so that I can share this with you now. I LOVE that my heart pumps by itself. I LOVE that I can breathe on my own and that, in this moment, I'm not in serious pain.  I LOVE that I can write and think and move. I LOVE that I teach immigrants and refugees English and business and they are eager to learn. I LOVE that I'm in an 11-month Clairvoyant Awareness Program at Psychic Awakenings and that I'm developing my intuition and healing myself.

  I LOVE my body shape and size as it is. I LOVE that I'm taking a pole dancing class. I LOVE that I can spin and move on the pole, even though it is challenging at times.

I LOVE the messiness of life and even my foibles, because through all of those, I'm able to find clarity.

My biggest FEAR in my life was divorcing from my husband and it happened! 

I NEVER could have imagined it. I would have avoided it at ALL COSTS, but it turned out to be the biggest blessing. Through it, I learned forgiveness and love for myself. I learned that I'm stronger than I thought I was. I learned a new way of loving, being and operating in the world. I learned that even the most DEVASTATING thing that can happen to us or our loved ones or even the PLANET often brings us to higher ground and CONNECTS us. I learned to love again and am in a beautiful relationship.

What is your BIGGEST fear? What are you grateful for and what do you love about your life?

Do you believe that tuning into LOVE and GRATITUDE can increase it in your life or raise the consciousness of the planet?

Fellow earthlings, I do! And I have so much LOVE and GRATITUDE for those who actively involved in doing this work!