Disappeared

"I think I DISAPPEARED from here because I was afraid that I had failed in some way. I was angry at myself for not fully taking flight, but now I see that my inside is gaining energy—BIG ENERGY—for the next voyage."—Katherine Jenkins 

Dear fellow Earthlings,

Has it been six months almost? No I haven't disappeared, but almost. This earth game is intense. And sometimes life just picks you up and carries you for awhile. I got sucked into my mundane life again.

Just last February, while on Maui close to Haleakala, it felt like my rocket had launched. I was heading out into the great UNKNOWN. I was about to become an explorer. I traveled to remote parts of Australia and New Zealand...and....well, I wasn't really sure where I'd go after that.

But somehow I ended up back on that launch pad again. Somehow, this past fall, I returned to what I know, even though it's not 100% what I love. Maybe that's why it was hard to write. Because I found it hard to fully launch.

In September, I moved into my co-worker's mother-in-law in a wonderful part of Seattle after petsitting all summer in Port Townsend and Richmond Beach. By the end of the summer, I had signed on to teach an overload at the college where I've been a teacher for 13 or so years teaching ESL and Small Business to immigrants and refugees. My new living space has been good for me. It's allowed me to not be so uncertain about where I'll lay my head while I have a regular job. But, I'm not sure I've completely found my place in life.

I've really enjoyed my current neighborhood. The house I live in in Ravenna, Seattle is in walking distance to everything I love—grocery stores, coffee shops, yoga, Greenlake, a new age bookstore, massage, my counselor....everything! I can walk from here to Greenlake within 20 minutes. And the fall this year in Seattle proved to be the best I've witnessed in a long time! The vibrant colors of the fall leaves at the lake this year took my breath away. And now, on February 10th, all has disappeared beneath a blanket of snow. We haven't had snow like this in 40 years. Most winters in Seattle are rainy and wet. I managed to escape one of the worst winters for rain last year while on Maui and in Australia and New Zealand. I feel like I have hit the jackpot with the weather this year and have been in bliss since summer.

I have enjoyed the time and the new living situation, which is about 20 minutes from my job and about 15 minutes from where my boyfriend lives.

I enjoyed a trip with my boyfriend in early December to Florida to see my dad and step mom and got a taste of the travel bug again while touring around Saint Augustine (the oldest city in the USA), Tampa and Saint Pete. It doesn't matter where I travel, it could be in my own state, but as soon as I go anywhere, my eyes light up. I feel most alive when I'm on the road.

So as much as this has been one of the best situations for me right now, it isn't IT! I hear my soul calling me beneath all the hustle and bustle we humans call life. My life is calling me away from the MAZE and the chatter of a life where everyone moves in deep grooves, but no one knows where they are going.

I have to stay in touch with my spirit to make it through. Without that connection, I'd be so lost. I'm currently in a vision circle with other drummers and shaman practitioners. This group is so important to me. It reminds me of how we are all connected and how in CIRCLES, where we gather to meet with LIVE humans, we create so much energy. These circles sustain the web of life. My spirit has been whispering to me to hold steady for a little bit. It has told me that I'm on the path, even though it may seem like a detour. Even more than a detour, it feels like I've been walking in place. But then I'm reminded of the saying, "Wherever you go, there you are." We are travelers everyday within circles. We don't need to, necessarily, go anywhere GRAND, if we have a deep connection to our spirits. But going somewhere new and inspiring does spark the spirit within. At least it does for me.

My boyfriend, who is also my business partner in a new business we launched in November called Seattle Psychic Institute, reminds me that I am, in fact, journeying. I've been going on MAJOR journeys on the inside. In fact, the inside work I'm doing is so BIG that it does require a place to rest my head for awhile. So this home serves as that place while I make these inner journeys. I am an author,  psychic reader, channeler and intuitive writing teacher. I feel most at home in this work, but it's not necessarily the work that pays the bills.....yet. It WILL be though and I will find my place again. I am definitely in a gathering phase. Lately, I've been able to channel a friend of Scott's who I also knew who died a few years ago. There are such important messages coming through that he has asked that I record them, so I feel I will do that and perhaps transcribe them here or on another blog. It is such important information for us Earthlings!

Back to the present, where all things exist all at once and all things are able to manifest—blanket of snow! We are currently under a blanket of snow

in Seattle and I feel I'd like to disappear into my den-like room for the rest of the winter, only to raise my head to write, do psychic readings and meet in my spiritual CIRCLES. I feel a pull to go deep within.

Today, I walked for three hours in the snow. I looked down at the white and it almost burned my eyes, it was so bright and blank and full of possibilities. The silence grabbed me and said, "You asked for this!" In psychic circles, sometimes we call it "mocking up." I see a picture in my mind's eye and it is so clear that it comes to be right in front of me. There is so much certainty around it. Lately, so many dreams and things I've seen in my mind have happened. I'm starting to realize that the veil between what we believe and see on the inside is not too different from what each of us is seeing on the outside. How we think about things, what we believe, what we imagine and tell ourselves is so important.

A few days ago, I walked in the snow with a friend. My boyfriend had given me gold sun & moon earrings for Christmas. I adored them. When I came back home, the SUN was gone. How fitting that it had DISAPPEARED. After all, everything that required light to grow had become dormant under a blanket of snow. I clenched the moon tightly in my fist. I didn't want to accept that the sun was gone. The next day I retraced my steps. I searched and searched for my sun. When I got home, a voice inside said, "You will find it as soon as you let it go!" And I was certain I'd find it outside. I went to my Tuesday Night Psychic Reading Clinic. I debated going because the weather had been so unpredictable and I worried about the roads. My boyfriend picked me up and drove me. Two women, mother and daughter, came to our clinic that night. I saw that they were stuck in a pattern that had been passed down through a long lineage of women. They were moving in a particular CIRCLE that was not benefitting anyone. To the break the pattern, both of them needed to let go and do something different. I felt a bright light enter the room during those psychic readings. The room, that had felt a bit dark and heavy in the beginning, became light and soft during our closing meditation.

My boyfriend drove effortlessly through the streets of Seattle on the way home. It was easy getting home and I didn't see any ice the road. I said, "Good night" and gave him a kiss and then walked up the steps to the house where I live. There, on the doormat, in a little patch of snow under the bright outdoor light, was my SUN, glowing in GOLD. I said, "Oh...wow!" It was exactly how I had imagined I'd find it, but I had let that image go completely. I wasn't thinking about it at all when I found it, but I did have certainty that eventually I would.

Sometimes these images come through loud and clear and sometimes they are a little more cloudy. I am afraid to trust myself fully in this, even though time and time again, my intuition has been crystal CLEAR. When I don't second guess myself, I know what I must do. Nothing shows up clearer in this area than when I do psychic readings and channel. I'm able to relay information to people that has deep meaning for them. And I can do this for myself too.

I want to own this more. I don't want to be afraid of what others might think. I know I have these abilities and I want to be able to say that I do without feeling like others might think I'm nuts. I think one of my biggest patterns I'm letting go of in this life is worrying about what others might think of me. I grew up in a family that pretty much only believed what was tangible. It was "I'll believe it when I see it." I operate in the opposite way. My way of operating is, "I see it (inside first) and then I believe it." This is such a different way of moving in the world, but it's the way I move. I want to accept it.

I think I DISAPPEARED from here because I was afraid that I had failed in some way. I was angry at myself for not fully taking flight, but now I see that my inside is gaining energy—BIG ENERGY—for the next voyage. This voyage comes from the inside out. I am letting the inside guide me first. And I'm not going to be too concerned with how it looks like to everyone else, but more if it feels right to me.

And so I see, nothing disappears really. It's all recycled and fed back into this web of life, in which all of us Earthlings and all other life forms are living.

Cycles, seasons, circles—call them what you want. Life is moving. Inside that green shoot, covered by snow now, is energy that is FLOWING and building up so that we can all enjoy and witness a unique flower in the spring. EACH one different, but equally beautiful.

Have you ever felt like you disappeared or wanted to disappear, only to show up again in full bloom? What were the circumstances around this?