Seattle Girl on Cape Cod: Writing Through The Pain

 Hello fellow Earthlings,

I tend to hang out in the positive polarity of life, but no one is immune to PAIN. It's an EARTHLING condition. And there is physical, mental and spiritual pain and sometimes they are all tied together, even if we think they are separate.

A few weeks ago, I opened Pandora's box and unearthed my journals from when my marriage ended. If anything will jolt you back into a timeframe you just as soon have forgotten, reading past journals of that time will.

I am writing a new book called Venus on Fire about my transformation after my marriage ended. In December, I rented a private office up the street from me in Yarmouth, Cape Cod and set it all up with a sofa and chairs, a desk, a lamp, plants, books, and journals. I made it comfortable and inspirational and I thought I had set myself up for a smooth ride.

Nope.

Reading through those old journals did something to me. My body is confused. Am I living in this timeline or that timeline. Maybe I have a leg in both of them. And then, of course, I started to beat myself up that I didn't have a handle on things or that things weren't moving along faster in the book writing world. 

As I dug further into my past,  my body started to give out. My eyes got infected (both of them) and I couldn't wear my contacts. I felt a pain in my chest that I couldn't shake. I felt a lot of anger that may not have been expressed from my marriage and the ending of said marriage. I accidentally  sat on my only ancient pair of glasses and broke them in two. My fiancé Scott glued them together with super glue, using tissue paper to hold the glue. So now I was going even further back to when I was a kid and got teased all the time for wearing glasses. More Pain. He tried to make it better my removing the tissue and coloring in the glob of glue with a pen (bless his heart, his intentions were pure). I put them on and felt like the biggest nerd known to mankind

Me with my nerdy glasses at Ritual on Cape Cod where I taught a Vision Board/Intuitive Writing Workshop

. 

I also felt lost and depressed. I didn't have a clear vision of my future or what I am trying to accomplish. I have so many things I want to do, but feel like I'm sinking in thick mud and to lift one boot up and put the other one down into this dense, thick stuff is easier said than done.

So I'm wading through the shit. We all have to do it at some point. Many people just as soon keep Pandora's box shut tight and buried....forever...

The thing is, this book is NOT a book about divorce. It's a book about what came out of a divorce. It's a book about empowerment, transformation and overcoming obstacles. It's book about seeing the truth of who I was, who I am and who I am becoming. We are always becoming. Each one of us is not the same person we were two seconds ago. 

I realize that to talk about this transformation, I have to understand where I was and put myself back there. I now get that I also need to keep myself insulated a bit when I do that. It would behoove me to have some self-care in place. If I'm journeying back in time, it would be nice to have a heated seat, a good drink, driving gloves, a nice pair of shades, an air bag and my seat belt fastened. 

So today I really fell apart, but my airbag protected me. I went to a yoga class in the morning, I reached out on Facebook for love and support (I know that's a weird place to do it, but it's where all my peeps are in one place), I had my home professionally cleaned (That's part of self care for me).

As I walked the steps up to my office to attend a college meeting, I began to feel my hands get clammy and my heart race. I called the eye doc and asked if I was having a reaction to the antibiotic drops I need to put in my eyes 4 times a day for the eye infection. She said that a racing heart was uncommon, but I should go to ER or Urgent Care. 

I talked myself down from the cliff a bit. I decided things weren't so urgent. I slowed my breathing down and meditated. I asked myself what I needed. 

The answer was REST.

So I cancelled all my classes and laid down on my 'therapy' sofa in my office with a scarf over my eyes and listened to 15 minutes of guided meditation. I really let myself release whatever wanted to be released.

Interestingly, I am surrounded by therapists. My office building is a therapy office with one real estate broker and one recluse author (me). Even though most of the therapists use sound machines to block the noise of their conversations, every once in a while I get bits and pieces. When I first moved in, I overheard, "Your relationship is RUPTURED. You have to accept the fact that it is RUPTURED." For some reason, the word ruptured rang in my head all day that day. So while white noise machines where whirling outside office doors today, my own therapist in Seattle had an opening in her schedule. What a relief. 

She said, "Maybe you should write about how it feels to write this book. Maybe you should say what you are going through."

So here I am, on my blog, letting you know that it aint no picnic.

But I'm going to keep on keeping on despite all the pain. 

And maybe I'll even get some cute glasses...

Maui Musings Day 9: The Last Day on Earth

Dear fellow Earthlings,

If this were your last day in this current incarnation on the planet, what would you do? How would you feel to know you only have a day left to live? Have you been living each day as if it were your last? Have you been appreciating your life? Is there something that needs to change?

It seemed like just another day on Maui. I awoke, once again, to the sound of birds singing together in a grand symphony as the sun rose over the ocean casting a pink and red glow across the horizon.

I rubbed my eyes and thought about my boyfriend. I've been away from him for about a week and I still have another 25 days or so to go until I see him. I posted a video of us  and a few photos of the last few days in Maui on Facebook. Then I sat there in complete gratitude in my bed, in my dome with nature surrounding me.

And then this happened:

It flashed across my screen in an instant. It read:

Emergency Alert:
BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Holy shit! This was not a joke. In that moment, everything stopped and I froze. And then thoughts started to flood back in. I thought, How long is it going to take the missile to reach Hawaii? and What am I going to do with the short time I have left?

I went over to the owner's main house and talked to them about it and my friend's husband was pretty confident that it was not going to happen. Still, those words on my phone and everyone's phone were clear and we had not received another message yet to let us know that it was not going to happen, so I had to treat it like it was true.

Up on the mountain, we are fully exposed. There is no shelter. At least no shelter underground. If we were going out, we'd surely go out with a bang. I paced the property and then decided to FaceTime my boyfriend. He was shocked to hear the news, but he also did not believe it would happen and reassured me that when he looked at it psychically, all looked well. And, he was angry that this message had gone out to the entire population of Hawaii, scaring the pants off so many people. He made me feel calm and reassured and it felt good to talk to him and see his face.

The next thing I did was find the most succulent piece of tropical fruit I could eat. In this case, it was a tangerine that had grown on the property. I wanted to get a taste of this good earth in me, if I was going to leave it.

I sat on a patch of grass near the Plumeria tree and felt the pulp of the tangerine squirt in my mouth. I sucked the juices in like sweet nectar. I appreciated each bite. As I was eating this fruit and talking to my boyfriend, I felt a deep sense of love and gratitude for my life. I felt my guides all around me. One of my guides is Pele, goddess of volcanoes. I felt her power to repel any negative forces affecting these sacred islands, even missiles.

All of these things calmed me down and allowed me to sit in the beauty of nature with confidence.

 If I were to leave the planet today, I know I can say that I had a wonderful life with lots of love, adventure, happiness, fun and joy. I can also say that I am so appreciative of my family and each person who has crossed my path.

I felt happy that I could honestly say that at this point in my life. And once I felt this, I knew I would be okay. I know that I have a divine purpose on this planet. I know that it involves writing and sharing my journey with others. I can feel a book in me. I know it is bubbling deep down at the core of my being. I know it wants to be born and I feel much of it will get written on this trip, especially now that the ballistic missile was a false alarm. It is strange how a threat like that puts all things into perspective.

Even though I was completely shaking in my slippahs when that message flashed across my screen, a deeper part of me said, "Feel the love (aloha) around you. Tune in to THAT!" It was a very good lesson. I could be afraid, but I could still feel love and gratitude for my life. We don't like to think about our last day on earth being near, but it is a good thing to ponder. Personally, I believe that we come back again in one form or another. We are here to learn as much as we can and live out our divine purpose. Life presents us with lessons and challenges, but ultimately I feel we all go back to the same source we came from. We all go back to the same light and each one of us are sparks of that great light. Knowing this, I feel calm. No matter what happens, we return to the same place.

Sometimes I  wonder what my life is for. I can't know the complete path. None of us can. Yet, often times, I feel I'm being guided. My intuition tells me strongly, "Do THIS!" Coming to Maui was one of those things. I was determined to make it happen because I felt deeply drawn to immerse myself in this land. I felt deep healing would happen. I felt my spirit call me back to these islands for a reason.
If this were my last day on earth, I can honestly say that I followed my heart here. I can also say that I feel gratitude for everything in my life, even the challenging, unpleasant parts. Those parts got me here. What a blessing!

What would you do if it were your last day on earth? Is there anything you would change right now if you knew that your days were numbered?

Maui Musings Day 8: Tuning into the Sacred Land

Hello fellow Earthlings,

I write you from inside a geodesic dome below Haleakala, fire chakra of the planet. I'm on Maui on my girlfriend's property. I'm here to tune in, be mindful, take care of the animals and plants, take care of myself, and immerse myself in ALOHA. Right now, outside, I hear the sound of crickets and cows mooing in the distance. I'm far from the tourists. There are no neighbors or other people I can see from where I am and soon I will be completely alone here. What am I doing here, you ask? I do not really know, but I keep getting called back to these islands again and again and again. The land here calls for me to slow down and tune in. Every morning I wake to a symphony of birds. I usually make myself a cup of tea and lemon water from lemons that grow on the property. They are sweet and almost have a taste like oranges. Then, I usually sit in bed a little while longer, looking out the dome windows onto the property. I like to walk the labyrinth at the top of the property everyday. It's an act of mindfulness for me. I walk and feel each step touch the earth. When I face Haleakala, I hold my hands to my chest and bow in respect to this sacred volcano. At the bench, in the center of the labyrinth, I pick up the pink quartz crystal the size of my hand and feel it's smooth and cool surface. I hold it in my lap and just feel the energy. I then move the crystal to my heart and hold it there and sometimes I move it to my head. I often feel like kissing and blessing this crystal before I lay it back down. I then continue on the labyrinth path, winding my way out.

It's hard "to do" here because I mostly feel like "being" and just tuning in. I let my body move naturally in the way it wants to. I see what calls to me. I am open. I am here to receive. My girlfriend and I usually go into town in the morning. Sometimes we go to the beach or a yoga class or we get a bite to eat. I have so enjoyed her company and I have enjoyed eating meals with her, her husband and pups. They will leave soon and I will be here to tend to the place alone, except for the dogs, chickens, and the occasional worker who comes onto the property for a short time to do some maintenance or cleaning.

I have been called here. I have been called to take time off to write, get healthy, and to really hear what my heart wants. I know it's about tuning in without distractions. There's a part of me that is afraid of that and there is a bigger part that knows I need it.

The weather changes all the time, especially here at the foot of Haleakala. Sometimes it feels like a dark massive rain cloud might just suck me up and in the next moment, I'm basking in the sun.

When I first arrived here, I got really sick. I had a migraine, my face felt numb, I had pain in my tooth and I felt like vomiting. It took everything in my power not to vomit. I was consumed by pain. I had just arrived and I felt I might have to go to the emergency room. My girlfriend gave me a ice pack for my head and left me in my dome to rest for the night. In the morning, I awoke feeling like a new person. I call that my "initiation." After all, I was coming from the city and from the airplane. People were coughing and sneezing on the plane. The cramped space was full of trapped air that we were all breathing. My body went through a massive reaction when I arrived at this pristine place where avocados, lemons, oranges and bananas hang in abundance from trees.

In order to match the energy here, I had to detox and release all that I came with. And I'm still detoxing and releasing. I'm still healing here.

I'm healing the last two something years. I'm becoming a new person and I'm letting go of ALOT.

When you think nothing is happening and nothing is changing or shifting, look again. Look at what is happening in the world. It may seem chaotic, but it has to happen. Instead of getting anxious or nervous or scared, just sit for a moment. Tune in and be with that energy for awhile, even the chaotic or painful energy. Let it wash over you. Give it back to the earth to be recycled or reconfigured.

Something wants to grow here. Something wants to shift. I'm feeling that. The earth is a great teacher and perhaps our greatest teacher right now. I want to be quiet and take it all in. I feel blessed for that opportunity.