Going Off-Grid

For about two months, I've been off Facebook and a bit off-grid. I'm currently living in a tiny house on a bluff overlooking Discovery Bay in Port Townsend. Before that, I lived for a month out on Bush Point on Whidbey Island overlooking the water. Ever since my classes went online due to the Coronavirus, I haven't felt the desire to be in the city. For the most part, I've lived pretty unplugged and it's been the biggest blessing. Some may say that I don't care about what's going on. It really depends on your perspective of things.  I've felt called to work more inwardly than outwardly. One is not better than the other. It is just what you feel called to do. That is IT! I'm not here to judge what you are doing and hopefully you are not here to judge what I'm doing. Hopefully we can see the benefit of all of it. Hopefully we can reach a place where we value what each human is moved to do or be, regardless of whether it fits into our ideas of things. As long as we are not intentionally harming anyone and the motivation is one of love, I think all paths are valid.

Out here in the tiny house, I'm called each day to hike down the bluff to the water and walk the long stretch of beach that is virtually empty of people. Every now and then I may see a soul or two, but not often. Instead of people, I'm communing with the blue herons, eagles, hawks, ravens, otters and seals. For some time now, I've been communing with wild animals. They seem to speak a language that I understand or am beginning to understand. Today a blue heron landed in a pine branch above my head. Have you ever seen a blue heron land in front of you. Those things are mammoth and look like pterodactyls. The energy of this animal is amazing. And to witness a bald eagle eye-level with me on the bluff as I sit quietly in a chair on the edge of the cliff, well, there's no other place I'd rather be.

The eagle speaks to me these days. He's the symbol of our times. Well, the eagle is the symbol of our country, yet maybe we've forgotten what it symbolizes on a spiritual level. The eagle sits high above the fray. It observes. It doesn't jump into this or that easily, it looks at the big picture. It witnesses with keen eyes that see all. It knows precisely when to make a move and precisely when not to make a move. A few days ago I sat with my morning coffee high up on the bluff witnessing the eagle. Two crows swooped down on the eagle and were being very menacing. They seemed to want to get its attention or get it to move, but it sat with its talons clinging firmly to a pine branch. It did not move or was not swayed by these birds. It observed their behavior with amusement, it seemed. I even felt a sense of compassion for the crows. How they wanted the attention the eagle so desperately, but the eagle wasn't there to amuse them. It was there to watch over all that was going on. What a powerful bird the eagle is. How majestic it is when it lifts off from a branch to soar high above the earth. How keen its eyes are to really SEE.

I think that's it. I'm here to SEE. Not to see what you are doing or what everyone else is doing or to follow the latest news, but to go inward and feel what I am personally moved to do.

And out here, I'm moved to meditate, commune with nature, witness, observe, feel, sense, intuit. I'm here to work from the inside out. So much attention is given to what is happening outside. What about what's happening inside? Recently I've found that that is exactly where all the answers are. At least for me.

Living in a tiny house for a month has also been eye-opening. I love it! What more do I need? Over the years I've slowly whittled down my belongings. I have a small storage unit and no permanent home to speak of. I dream of owning a piece of land  near water with a self-sufficient tiny home. I don't need much, really.

For now, I'm content in the "not knowing," I'm okay in the now. I am flowing with each day and each day brings new things. What a miracle it is just to be alive. How lucky we are to be here on Earth! What an amazing thing that is.

At night, out here on Cape George Road, there are a million stars. Jupiter and Saturn have been so bright in the night sky. I can see tiny stars between bigger stars and the Milky Way swirls above me. One night, after visiting my boyfriend for a night in the city (we actually went to Sunset Hill Park at night and saw the comet Neowise), we took a night ferry boat to Kingston  and arrived after dark at the tiny house. All was quiet up on the bluff and the stars made us stop and pull up chairs and sit with our heads straight up in silence. A few shooting stars moved across the night sky. How small we all are. How short our time here is. Yet we live on in one form or another for eternity. The animals and the stars and the plants have no agenda but to "be". Their being-ness draws me in and speaks to me. Speaks about a time when we did not need words or computers or TV or money. We knew. We moved the way animals move. We understood without speaking. We knew the direction of the wind and understood where we were by the position of stars. The earth was not something to tame for human consumption, it was a part of us and we a part of it.

I'm called back to remember. I want to hear this soundless sound again. I want to bear witness to the eagle in me and me in the eagle. I want to taste the thimble berries now juicy and ripe on the branch and pluck huckleberries growing out of old-growth tree stumps. I want to put my ear to a shell I find in the smooth, soft sand and hear the wild ocean and I want to taste the salty sea on me. I'm not afraid to jump into the frigid waves and stick my head down under the seaweed-ed bay and dive to the bottom and touch the earth there where it's quiet and soundless. I will dry myself off on a log on the beach and lay there until I'm moved to rise. Do I have time? Do I have time to just be? What else is there to DO actually?

And so this is what I'm doing out here. I'm teaching online and tuning in and feeling each moment and allowing it to guide me. I'm not moving in fear, I'm moving in FLOW and flow has so much to teach me. All of life is actually a flow. It's the mind that clings and attaches and insists. It's the mind, our prize possession, that can stop the flow of life. 

Was it the Buddhists who said, "If you want to be free, remove your head?" I get that. 

Life is not linear, it is happening all at once on many levels. What you are witnessing now is no accident. It was precisely designed for YOU to witness. Are you witnessing? Reacting? Are you in fear or in flow? 

The flow is shifting for me soon. Rationally, it doesn't make a lot of sense. If I try to wrap my head around all the details, I don't get very far. But in the moment, all is quite beautiful and amazing and there is a tremendous love and gratitude inside. I feel very blessed and am not afraid. I feel guided. And even if what I do does not make sense to many, It makes sense to me. I'm going to let go and keep following this flow....

Healing for the Earth Day 28: More About Meditation by Guest Blogger Scott Walsh

Dear Earthlings,

 Day 28! Another fabulous post by guest blogger Scott Walsh. Enjoy!

Ah the coronavirus, the CORONAVIRUS!!  Have you heard the latest pronouncement from Gov. Inslee?  It’s now illegal to post something on Facebook that ISN’T about the coronavirus.  Ha ha, small joke there.  

I came across a quote from the 17th c. mathematician Blaise Pascal that is very appropriate for these times: “All (people’s) miseries derive from not being able to sit in a quiet room alone”.  Way to anticipate social distancing 400 years ago, Blaise.  For myself, being told I should stay in my house IS in my comfort zone.  This morning before I arose I thought of the deliciousness of the morning routine to come: raising the blinds, pouring coffee out of that steaming, burbling little device I use, sitting down at my kitchen table to write as I watch streaked sunlight make its way across the backyard.  

Of course, full disclosure, it hasn’t ALL been domestic bliss.  In light of all that’s happening, insecurity about my economic prospects had me FREAKING OUT a few days ago.  I imagine this must be a widespread phenomenon.  Normal life as we know it has ground to a halt.  Suddenly, stopping to smell the roses has become one of the few remaining items on our rapidly shrinking daily to-do lists.  

As for freaking out, it helps that I have been a meditator for a few decades now.  What this means is, when I sat down and closed my eyes, I was able to put some borders around that little freaking out voice, which was yapping away like a small dog woken up by the mail carrier.  Here’s the thing about meditation: it’s a practice built around the fact that one thing we humans will always have, is the freedom to CHOOSE where we focus our attention.  

Some times it might seem that it’s not us, but what’s happening to us, that determines where our attention goes.  For instance, when it suddenly looks like my carpentry clients might have to withdraw their financial support because THEY’RE worrying how THEY’RE going to get paid, then you could say: but of course a little worrying on my part is natural. Unavoidable even.  

OK, I COULD say that, but it’s actually more than a little worrying.  Remember the solar eclipse?  What was that three years, though it seems like a lifetime, ago?  Remember how our fair friendly sun was COMPLETELY BLOCKED OUT for about an hour?  Well that’s worry for you.  All semblance of a pleasant, joyful, manageable existence is GONE.  It’s just OUT THE WINDOW.  

And not only does that SUCK, but as a believer in the Law of Attraction, because I’ve seen it play out so many times in my own life, I now hold as a TRUE FACT that worrying is a sure fire way to manifest SUCK-INESS IN THE FUTURE.    

For these two reasons then, when I sat down to meditate I wasn’t in the mood for half-measures.  The careening craziness of my mind, batting like a pin ball from one subject to another - from what my clients had said, to wondering about the future, to working out the probabilities of things - all of it had to STOP.  

There was all that mental screaming.  Yes, all that.  And then there was something else to focus on, the fact I was ALIVE, as evidenced by my breath: IN and OUT.  In and out.  In and out.  

But WHAT ABOUT THIS!!!!?????!!!!!!, went my mind.  And for a few seconds more I was carried away on a sleigh ride to the land of TUMULT.  Fear.  FEAR FEAR FEAR FEAR !!!!!!!!!!  And Worry.  FEAR AND WORRY, FEAR AND WORRY!!!

It wanted to overwhelm me.  It wanted to carry me away, like water sucked down a drain.  

And for a while it seemed like it would.  For a few seconds.  The noise and the worry and the fear seemed like all there was.  But like I said, I’ve been doing this for a while, and I’ve learned to count on the fact that in the middle of whatever I might be feeling or thinking, there’s always life; there’s always the passage of time.  There’s always the ability to FOCUS on that unwinding journey from the present of now to the present that comes later.  

This, strange to say, helps.  It gives the lie first of all to the idea that circumstances determine what I give my attention to.  Actually no, I get to choose.  

Secondly, it quiets me down.  That yapping voice I spoke of is put inside a cotton-lined box, then it goes away entirely, as long as I keep putting my focus on the now.  My heart rate and breathing slow down.  

Thirdly, after doing this for awhile, the moment seems to EXPAND. 

If we are used to moving through time the way a person walks down a trail - then let’s be honest, as we go down that road, mostly we’re thinking about where we’re going and where we’ve been.  So, just by making the intention to stop and notice the scenery along the way, we get to the point where that scenery looms larger.

There’s the clock ticking that suddenly seems really loud, and the whoosh whoosh of cars going by.  The breath going in and out of my nose; now my nose itches.  Scratching nose.  This reminds me of a friend.  That was a weird conversation we had a week ago.  Then another thought piggy backs on that one, and another and another.  That’s thinking for you.  At some point I realize I’ve gone off track, and try to bring my mind BACK to the moment.  I notice in the interim my heart rate has gotten faster.  I notice the air entering and exiting my nose.  I notice that the time interval between all these things starts taking on a depth.  Rather than being a point, a milestone unceremoniously crossed along the ruler of time, the intervals in between start taking on a “thingness” all by themselves.  This doesn’t happen every time I meditate, but sometimes it feels as if I could take a right angle from where I’m going and delve into the minuscule micro-seconds of time like a skier cutting down a slope of untouched powder.  It’s a little hard to explain, a little freaky even, but it sometimes feels that everything there is is right there - a whole universe encapsulated in a single moment you could say.

The fourth and final thing I’ve noticed about meditation also doesn’t happen every time I do it.  The times it has happened however have profoundly affected the way I think about myself in the world.  

First of all, I want to say that I was attracted to meditation because there wasn’t too much in the way of doctrine or dogma or any sets of beliefs I needed to adhere to.  There was no need for a leap of faith.  There was only the intention toward staying aware about what was going on with me when I sat down to meditate, and a good word for that is MINDFULNESS.  The breath goes in and the breath goes out - the idea was to practice putting my focus there, and one word you didn’t hear very often in this tradition was “heretic”.  

But in the middle of all that a funny thing happened.  I would say that for me this was a significant thing; and saying that I understand that its significance would not necessarily be the same for everybody.  

Simply put, in the middle of some of my deeper meditations, I began to have the profound, and therefore very real sense that I was not alone.  I came away from these peak experiences with the impression that instead of being the singular glob of matter in a universe filled with similar objects the way my teachers in school had explained,  I was somehow part of a fabric that included everything, and like everything, my existence was somehow important, even necessary.  

It may sound crazy, because there certainly was no logic involved, but the deeply-felt perceptions I was having didn’t need a logical framework in order to satisfy me about their authenticity.  There was something about them that the innermost regions of my mind, what I would now call my “soul” responded to.  I believed in them without the need to second guess myself, and as I said, my whole world view changed.

Anyway, that’s what I have to say about this subject.  Good luck, and by way of a farewell, I’d like to repeat what I just said - and what I now whole-heartedly believe: that ALL of us are NECESSARY.  All of us are VITAL.

All the Best!

Scott Walsh is a teacher of meditation and and psychic techniques and is the co-founder of The Seattle Psychic Institute.  He has been practicing meditation most of his life, has been a psychic for 18 years and a teacher for 7 years.  The sense of connection, purpose and joy that practicing these techniques have brought him can’t be over emphasized.  

Healing for the Earth, Day 21: Are you in fear or in flow?

Dear fellow Earthlings,

Someone sent me this from the Hopi Indian Elders long ago and it feels more appropriate than ever now and I ask you: Are you in fear or in flow?

If you look at nature, how does it look to you? Does it look tight and contracted or does there appear to be a flow to life? If you are feeling fearful and contracted, what makes you feel that way?

As humans, we've become so separate from nature. We get our food from big box stores and we expect it to be there. We depend on things to be there for us and to be a certain way and if things aren't, we panic. Through our modern civilization, we've somehow removed ourselves from the flow of life. In nature, all things flow. If things are not flowing in nature now, it's because fellow Earthlings, in their desire to consume, have disrupted this flow.

Instead of clinging to our old ways, I can feel the time has come to push ourselves off into the center of the river. What I have found is that when I walk WITH nature, I'm part of it. I'm part of that flow and that creates peace inside me. If I forget nature and spend all my time being consumed by other people, news, technology, social media, then I contract. When I'm in a contracted state, it's easy to go into fear, panic, what ifs, anger, etc.

These days, when I feel myself going into a contracted state, I know I need to stop and connect inward. Nature naturally helps us connect inward because nature is naturally in flow.

Being in a flow when things are changing not only helps the individual, but it helps the world. Nature, I feel, and the our Native ancestors, are calling us to remember this flow. When I'm in a flow, I'm not gripping branches floating past me in a rushing river. I'm not holding on for dear life. When I'm in the flow of life I'm in a state of surrender and awe. I'm able to witness the beauty of nature and see that I'm a part of it.  I'm aware that something bigger is at play. Today on my walk, the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. Today the sunset turned the sky to fire and the almost-full-moon shone bright in the sky. Today my friend, the eagle, soared above me once again and left me breathless.

 I don't have to have it all figured out. I'm confident that things will work out just as they are meant to. When I'm in a flow, I'm carried to where I need to go. I take the right actions and I show up in the right places at the right time. I don't second guess or tune into other people's fears.

Being in fear cuts me off from the flow. It creates separation. It causes me to feel there won't be enough. I begin to hoard. I'm afraid to go outside. Everything around me gives me cause for fear. Being in a contracted state causes disease. It's hard on the immune system. It creates personal panic and mass panic.

If you find yourself frequently in this contracted state, it would be helpful to tune in and notice it. Sit for a few minutes with the feelings in silence. Ask yourself, "What am I really afraid of?" Instead of hiding from it, face it. Surrender to it. See what happens if you can just sit quietly watching your breath while you are in a contracted, fearful state.

Before long, you will start to loosen up. You will feel the edges soften. Whatever felt tight will begin to release by just sitting and breathing and being aware. You can do this when you sit or while you walk. It's an opportunity actually. It's a big opportunity to decide right now, as we go through this transition: How do you want to show up in this world?

Everything in nature flows.

Healing for the Earth, Day 18: Meditation for Anxiety by Guest Blogger Scott Walsh

My partner, Scott Walsh, is here to share his insights on meditation for anxiety which is really important, particularly in these uncertain times. I'm lucky to have a partner who I meditate with and share a business with. We both offer classes at Seattle Psychic Institute along with many other wonderful teachers. We are also in a shaman drum circle together. Having a partner who understands and gets the inner realm has been such an important support in my life. Here's Scott with a few words on meditation for anxiety. Sorry if the video gets cut off. I had to shorten it a bit, but you get the gist.

I thought I’d write something that would be helpful right now.  I know a lot of people are freaking out.

In the midst of fear, in the midst of overwhelm, there’s one thing that works.  It works because a saving grace of humanity is the ability to focus on only one thing at a time.

Take some time.  Find a space by yourself, a place where you can just BE.  What happens when you just STOP?  Notice your body.  Your heart beating, your breath.  What happens when you start thinking about all the uncertainty, all the what ifs?  Just try it.  Pretend you’re a scientist observing YOURSELF.  You’re both the scientist and the subject.  When you focus on things that are scary, what happens to your heart rate and your breathing?  For a minute, rather than being carried away by your thinking, your worrying, your wondering, just notice what the effects are in your body.

Now take some time and gently pull your awareness so that it rests only on what is happening right now to your body - what you’re hearing, feeling; the sound and sensation of your breath, the feeling of your weight in your chair if you are seated.  NOTICE your thoughts.  Try to OBSERVE them.  It’s easy to go from observing thoughts to becoming completely carried away by them.  That’s just the way it is.  Our thoughts are SO interesting.  If you find that five minutes have gone by and you’ve been thinking about one thing or another, one person or situation or another, then gently come back to being the scientist, the observer.

Don’t beat yourself up if your mind wanders.  Believe me, it’s part of the process.

Notice if it’s comfortable, uncomfortable, or extremely uncomfortable to stop and just observe yourself.  If it’s uncomfortable then, do you feel like doing something to escape?  And notice what things come to mind as escape routes.  It’s all really good information.  It’s REALLY HELPFUL if you can just notice that it feels uncomfortable to just BE, in the sense of observing what you’re feeling etc., and nevertheless you can just hang out with that anyway; hang out with that feeling of discomfort.  Notice it.  It can’t hurt you; not if you’re just WATCHING it.  Look at the discomfort up close, open the jaws and look at the sharp teeth.  Ask: where does this come from?  What voice inside of you is shouting/screaming/lecturing?  Who does it sound like and what is it saying?

This is called defusing the bomb.  “The bomb” is a metaphor for what is the scariest, most horrendous thing of all for most of us, and that is our own inner criticism, judgment, fears.

If you can learn to just sit and observe all the parts of yourself - even when it’s uncomfortable - then that is an incredible accomplishment.  If you practice meditation regularly then you will get to the point where no matter what the upset you’ll know that if you take some time to tune in and OBSERVE what’s happening, it won’t overwhelm you.

The meditative state - the state of tuning in, observing, ACCEPTING what’s going on without judging it, of just continuing to be aware of what’s happening in and outside of you in the moment, is a way of being you always have access to.  If you do it regularly then it will change your appreciation of everything.  And perhaps more important than anything, it’ll help you right now.


Scott Walsh is a teacher of meditation and and psychic techniques and is the co-founder of Seattle Psychic Institute.  He has been practicing meditation most of his life, has been a psychic for 18 years and a teacher for 7 years.  The sense of connection, purpose and joy that practicing these techniques have brought him can’t be over emphasized.

Surrendering to Solitude

Hello Fellow Earthlings,

I've been out here in the woods for about nine days. Other than my boyfriend who has come over a few times, I haven't had any visitors or met many people. I realize, without the regular distractions, so much comes up for me to confront. There's nowhere to hide out here. In Seattle, my old stomping grounds, I could easily pick up the phone and meet a friend within an hour. If I was bored or restless, I could go to a movie, the gym, a restaurant, shopping, etc. Out here, there are those distractions, but I'm further away from everything. It's seems like the land beckons me to stay with the uncomfortableness and not runaway.

But it's hard! There's some deep-rooted sorrow and sadness coming up. Here I am alone with a dog out in the woods. I don't have a family or pets or a home to call my own even. I just have a small storage unit, my car and that's about it. I have my boyfriend, but sometimes I feel so far away from him too. I love him, but there's so much change going on on the inside and it's hard to express what I'm going through. Instead of feeling surrounded by love and friends, I have been feeling quite alone and, well, LONELY!

Yet, I keep putting myself in these situations. I chose to go to the woods alone. Last January, I chose to go to upcountry Maui to housesit alone on 17 acres, far from any people, for two months. Continuously, I have been choosing to remove myself from the world and go inward.

Strangely, what I've discovered, is that I want community, a lover, a life with pets in a sanctuary that I can call my own. I don't know where that home will be. Maybe, by uprooting myself, I am opening myself up to finding those things. I feel like I should not be in a hurry to plunk myself down again. I feel, as unsettling as it is, I am meant to go with the wind for awhile. I'm meant to discover what the world has in store for me without forcing it all to fall into place. I am meant to be with the unknown for a while, however unsettling that is.

Right now, I'm upstairs at my writing desk in the mandala house (round house) in Port Townsend. The dog, Indio, is asleep on the rug next to me. I'm looking out at the tops of pine trees, the last bit of blue sky and glowing pink clouds from the sun that has set.

 The silence is sometimes deafening out here. I'm not used to it. It calls me to stop and be still, but there's a fear in that too. I have done lots of meditation in my past, but I don't know why I fight being still and doing nothing. To be alone with myself for days without any interaction with other fellow humans is challenging.

Nothingness.

What is it about that word that is frightening? It almost feels that if I'm always in motion and do-ing, my life has meaning. If I stop and do nothing, there's a feeling of not having a purpose or point. I fear that I could just disappear out here.

And I still have twenty days to go! Whoa.

So what was my purpose in coming out here? I wanted this solitude. I wanted to be alone to write and tune in. I chose this. My body, mind and spirit were on overdrive in the city. I was teaching 60 students at the community college and trying to move out of my home of twelve years.

There was no BALANCE. I craved nothingness. I craved an endless stretch of time to do nothing.

And now I have it!

Isn't it strange? Humans always want what they don't have. As soon as they have it, they want something else.

So instead of running away from or changing or distracting myself from where I am right now, I am choosing to surrender to it.

What happens if I surrender to this moment right now? What happens if I accept it and even enjoy it? What happens if I forgive myself for saying or doing things I regret? What happens if I love myself and realize that this moment is perfect as it is—that nothing needs to be added or subtracted from what is happening now? It is perfect in it's own way. This is easy when things are going smoothly, but so hard when things aren't. I spent years practicing Vipassana meditation and learning to accept things as they are, not as I'd like them to be. My teacher S. N. Goenka used to say, "As it is, not as you want it to be!" Yet, I'm still working on this. I still fall down, act badly, lose my footing, fall on my face and then berate myself for these things, rather than accepting that everything is okay just as it is.

I AM OKAY JUST AS I AM.

I know this is my challenge out here: To accept things as they are and to accept myself as I am. To love myself and my life right now. To surrender to the solitude.

Physically I have been feeling a lot of burning in my body and mind. It's been going on for awhile. It's no wonder I'm writing a book called Venus on Fire. The burning shows up as burning, irritated skin on my body and anger, lots of fiery anger, in my mind. My spirit, or oversoul as I liked to call it sometimes, is clear. I am clear in my higher purpose: To follow my heart and share with others what I discover. It feels like I'm waiting for my body and mind to catch up with my spirit.

Maybe my skin burns or itches because I'm literally in need of shedding my skin. I can't fit in it anymore. And maybe the anger is a part of being afraid to let go and let things be as they are, even if others don't accept them or me.

What if I allowed my skin to shed and my mind to release this pressure? What if I gave myself permission to remain as an empty vessel, open to receiving new information? What if I let myself be who I am right now?

I'm going to give it a try....

A New Life

Universal Love by Anyes Barber

"I've learned that fear limits you and your vision. It serves as blinders to what may be just a few steps down the road for you. The journey is valuable, but believing in your talents, your abilities, and your self-worth can empower you to walk down an even brighter path. Transforming fear into freedom— how great is that?"—Soledad O'Brien

 Dear fellow Earthlings,

It's been so long. I haven't written since February when I was on Maui. Earth THINGS got in my way of corresponding. It was harder to hear the messages from my heart as I was being tossed and turned in a more active phase of my life. There was so much I wanted to share with you, but I hardly had time to catch my breath. Within the space of 4 months, I attended a week-long shamanic workshop with Hank Wesselman at Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon, traveled to Australia down The Great Ocean Road with fellow blogger sisters, slept in the outback under a blanket of stars near Uluru, and toured the North Island of New Zealand immersing myself in Maori culture. It was a whirlwind and I so wanted to write about it while it was happening. There were so many messages to convey, but, instead, I just absorbed it all like a sponge. I promise you, I will share it in my next book Venus on Fire. It is what I'm working on right now.

I touched down on American soil from New Zealand near the end of March on a Friday. I could feel the heaviness and busyness of being back in Seattle, in the city, where everyone had an agenda and things to do and places to go. There was a heaviness in the air. I wondered how far it had spread. Had it infected all of the United States? I wasn't sure. People weren't LISTENING. They weren't dropping down inside to hear. They were just moving. Cars were like ants and everyone was following what the others were doing. No one was questioning this way of life. It felt destructive. The image I had was of rats in a maze running around in circles but not finding any way out. Everyone was bumping into each other and the stress was enormous. Just beyond the maze there was a vast ocean and there were forests with towering trees that stood like ancient grandfathers. They beckoned these rat-like people to step back or step out of the maze. "Step off the path and look up at the moon," a voice seemed to say.

But I didn't do that. By Monday, I was back in the classroom at the community college where I've taught for the past 12 years or so. I went from attending a Maori Hangi (feast) out on the North Island of New Zealand, to teaching small business and ESL classes to 60 students. The transition was jarring. The journey of my spirit, which was deep and expansive, was cut short as I was abruptly transported back to the maze where it seemed I too was running in circles forgetting everything I had learned—forgetting to breath, to stop, to connect, TO SEE.

I bounced through my classes and life like a car that had just gotten a flat on a dirt road. I kept trying to roll that car along, but it was a rough ride. On top of the teaching load, I had to move out of my house of 12 years during finals week. My body gave up. I acquired new illnesses. I went to doctors, counselors, psychics. The message was that I needed to slow down and remove ALL STRESS from my life right away. I was not to put myself in stressful situations until my physical body had healed. Yet, the reality was there. I had to finish teaching and I had to move out. I asked for help and many people came and pitched in. There's a little unfinished business that others are helping out with, but other than that, I'm on to a NEW LIFE. One that better suits my heart and allows me to hear and honor the messages it's been sending out.

Life is not always logical. We don't always go from point A to point B. In fact, I'd be surprised if anyone's life has flowed along in a neat little package with no challenges, woes or battle scars. Of course, the pictures tell a different story. Social Media makes us believe that everyone besides us leads a perfect life with perfect children, spouse, parents, family, etc. In The USA, we are a country of doing and acquiring. There are certain rites of passage that are considered "normal" and if we are in the maze, we'd better do them so that traffic will flow along more smoothly. But the very things we agree to do and believe we SHOULD do, aren't always the things our hearts call us to do. And those rites of passage, as important as they seem, will not SAVE us. We can have a neat little life on the outside, but it's the inside work, the work no one can see, that will make the biggest difference. It's the practice of BE-ING rather than DO-ING. All the messages we need to hear are in the practice of be-ing.

My heart is calling me to take a different path. My heart is calling me to a new life. I'm scared as shit. That's the truth. I've always been the good girl. I've been a good citizen. I've tried to do the right things and follow along in the maze of life, but I'm being called to step off this well-trodden path. I no longer have a home. I left all that I previously knew. It was a dark tunnel getting here, one where I painstakingly sorted through pictures and memorabilia of a life now gone. I sold, donated or tossed most of my belongings. A small pile of things I couldn't part with yet are now in a storage unit. I am FREE.

FREE

I left my home at 9:30am yesterday and got on the 10:30 ferry to Kingston. On the ferry, I sat across from a Native American Artist's painting called The Raven's Journey about a raven who turns into a boy and searches for a box of light. I feel that's my journey too. After disembarking the ferry, I drove on through a dense forest and thick green vegetation to Port Townsend. The Sound opened up on my left as I turned onto Cape George Road. My car was packed with what I needed for a month. I am petsitting and writing for the month of July in a mandala house (round house). It's just me and Indio, the sweet dog I'm taking care of.

My room is the whole upper floor of the mandala house and it sits high up like a tree house. Last night the strawberry full moon shone through the portal window above my bed and filled the entire room. It felt like angels had entered. It lit up all the trees around the house. It was divine.

I'm listening now. I've stepped out of the maze and I'm out with the trees and the moon. My heart is rejoicing. It's showing me things I've overlooked— little things like wild strawberries, fox glove, the smell of pine, a chorus of birds. This is the life my heart wants. Slow, mindful,

FREE

Namaste sweet humans. More soon.....

Maui Musings Day 21: Face the Fear and Do It Anyway

Good evening fellow Earthlings,

I have been out here in Maui for 21 days and tonight is my 12th night ALONE, besides the two pups I'm caring for. I will tell you honestly, I've been facing so many BIG fears. Some of the fears feel so big that I want to put my tail between my legs and run home. I know, I know. Right now you are thinking, "What could possibly go wrong in paradise?" Well, you've heard of those airplanes disappearing in the Bermuda triangle, haven't you? A lot can go wrong in paradise, just as much as anywhere else. After all, on the 13th of January, everyone in Hawaii thought a ballistic missile was headed right for us. If that's not something that would scare the pants off of any human, I don't know what would.

I want to report to you all that I'm alive and well. I haven't talked to any volleyballs yet, like Tom Hanks ended up doing in that movie. What was the name of it? I've had some battles with my eyes and throat. I think it was VOG (volcanic gases coming over from the Big Island). I had to wear my very unattractive glasses for many days because my eyes were burning. But, hey, I'm not dressing up for anyone right now, so who cares.

So, since I've been out here, gardeners and people who tend to the land on occasion have asked me, "Are you okay out here by yourself?" I've been asked that question so many times by locals that I've begun to think maybe I SHOULD be afraid. My very active mind has turned all kinds of night time noises into aliens, kidnappers, dangerous wild creatures...you name it. I've had to talk myself out of strange scenarios my mind concocts again and again and again.

I'm very psychic and intuitive. I believe we create our realities and circumstances or, at the very least, our minds can create a good or bad view of things. I have a strong connection to Pele, Goddess of Volcanoes. I have felt her with me numerous times out here below Haleakala. She is one of my spirit guides. She holds my hand and creates a firewall of protection all around the property. She guards this place. She protects it because the owners have put so much aloha (love) into the place and she protects anything that has to do with ALOHA. Another tool I use is GOLD. I'm able to put up gold light all around me, the property, the land, Hawaii and sometimes I can stretch it to encompass the country and beyond. I work with gold light a lot. I know this sounds like hocus pocus, but our reality is created by what we believe. If I believe gold light is all around me, then it is. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. My higher self knows so much and is so capable, but my smaller self is a fearful, shivering child. I oscillate between these two. I believe I'm here to bring these two aspects of myself into harmony.

How does one do that? By giving that small, shivering little self a TON OF ALOHA! Don't expect it from anyone else. You have to give it to yourself. To be honest, I get ALOT of support from friends, my boyfriend (who checks in with me at least once a day) and the owners, who have been so supportive of me being out here. Also, I'm here with two pups who are going through their own fears. Yes, these two little beings that I'm in charge of are also working through things. They are here with me and I am clearly NOT their mom or dad. But they've learned to love me. I'm all they've got and they are all I've got right now.

Today, there was thunder and lightening on the property that was very intense. I had a plan to go down the hill to meet a high school friend and another friend who is in town from Seattle. I was so excited to meet these people because, well, there hasn't been much human contact out here. But the rain was so intense and one of the little dogs was shivering uncontrollably. Have you ever been so scared that you couldn't stop shaking? Well, that was this little dog. How on earth could I go down the mountain in the pouring rain, thunder and lightening to meet my friends when this little pup was practically hyperventilating from fear.

I contacted my friends and made a plan to meet them another day. Once again, it would be just me and the pups at night. I put the little pup into my lap and meditated and eventually her breathing settled and she curled up in a ball and finally took a rest. I don't know if she will ever overcome this fear of thunder and lightening, but feeling comforted and feeling ALOHA come her way was a big help in settling her down.

The pups also put me at ease. When there is someone who comes onto the property they bark and I know they are being protective of me. They also sleep very close to me. We are tuned into each other now. Feeling loved and supported by others is also helpful in overcoming fears. We are all in this together, so when we can connect and help one another, it lessens these fears. Love for myself and love for others seems to be the key. Sometimes I see that small fearful child in me and realize she is also like a separate being. She needs me (my higher self) to wrap my arms around her in a warm, loving embrace. What if each one of us did this for ourselves? What if we were able to soothe ourselves when we felt scared, alone, sad, or depressed?

This is what I've been doing out here. I've been loving that child within me. I've been hearing her say, "I'm really scared." and I've been showering her with love, gold light, comfort, kind words, peace, good food, trips to the beach, yoga classes....whatever she needs.

The other day, that small child said, "That's IT! I can't take it anymore!" She had spent too many days alone on the property and she really just wanted to GET OUT. I treated her to a day at the beach and lunch in the town nearby. I let her write in her journal, people watch, swim in the blue ocean, feel the sand in her toes, eat a cookie, listen to her favorite tunes, spin the prayer wheel at the Tibetan temple.

Sometimes that's what we need when we feel fearful or alone. We just need to tell ourselves, "I love you, you will be fine, I'm here for you."

I have found that this alone time has had tremendous healing effects. I don't need to be afraid because I have love.

Fear, anger, resentment, sadness, loss or depression can be there on the surface or in the background, but love (aloha) for oneself and others conquers all.

What is your biggest fear? What have you done to love yourself when you feel worried, fearful, sad or alone?